Tag Archive for: You’re Doing It Wrong.

It’s no wonder. We’ve all occasionally experienced a “favor assailant” who cozies up to us with a “getting to know you” call or coffee, and then springs a sneak attack. One colleague recently told me about someone with whom he thought he’d been building a friendship—until the other person hit him up with a request that required significant political capital. “It made me wonder,” my friend said. “Was this his plan all along? Had he been pacing it out, pretending to be interested in getting to know me, and just waiting to make his ask?”

No one wants to be like that.

So if you’re in the “networking feels disgusting” camp, changing your perspective might seem impossible. But a closer reading of Prof. Gino’s research reveals two crucial elements.

The first is that the type of networking participants engaged in made a huge difference. What people felt bad about was transactional networking—i.e., networking to get something fast, like a job or an investment—rather than networking to make friends.

The second is that junior-level professionals felt worse about networking, as compared with their more senior colleagues. One possible interpretation is that the junior professionals, having fewer connections or resources at their disposal to offer others, felt like “takers” because they worried they could never reciprocate.

In both cases, the takeaway is clear: It isn’t networking that’s the problem, per se. It’s that no one wants to feel like a user.

And that’s something we can control.

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Article continued …

For the past several years, I’ve been researching the question of how we can become more effective long-term thinkers, and bring that mind-set into our professional relationships.

Here are four strategies we can use to become better—more comfortable, more authentic and classier—at professional networking. Here’s how to get started.

Figure out what you can offer

If you’re the junior party in the networking equation, the problem might seem insoluble. The other person knows more people, has access to bigger budgets and has more clout than you. None of that is going to change anytime soon. What could you possibly offer them? It isn’t obvious—but it’s essential to get creative and figure it out. A great example is Heather Rothenberg, who—as a first-year Ph.D. student in transportation engineering —built a powerhouse network by volunteering to be the secretary of a women’s professional group in her industry. It was boring scutwork, to be sure, but it put her in proximity to influential leaders. Years later, she ended up becoming the group’s president and fielding multiple job offers from fellow group members who were eager to hire her.

It’s also useful to think of “side door” ways you can be helpful—because in your industry, that person may always be more connected or powerful, but you may have knowledge or status in another realm. For instance, I’ve become friends with many C-suite executives by advising them on areas where I have experience they don’t, such as publishing books or writing for high-profile publications.

No asks for a year

It might seem draconian, but I’ve created a rule for myself (and believe it may be useful for others, as well): no asks for a year. Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t invite someone out to a meal or an event. The point of relationship building is getting to know someone, after all. The specific prohibition is on requests that require political capital—the kind that users make right away. (“I see you know Warren Buffett —can you connect us?”) Instead, to ensure both that they don’t impute transactional motives to you—and so you don’t subconsciously construct them yourself—I believe we should avoid asking for favors until a relationship is so well established that you’re legitimately friends. And by that point, your friend may even proactively offer help or connections—because that’s what friends do.

Use a double opt-in

A place where well-intentioned networkers often falter is, in their haste or enthusiasm or lack of awareness, failing to ensure a “double opt-in” when connecting others. I often find myself fielding emails like this one I received from an enthusiastic colleague: “By way of this email, I wanted to introduce you to X…He is already a fan of yours and your writing. Knowing how busy you are, I thought I would connect the two of you – to sync your superpowers of networking and connection.”

This is obviously a lovely thought, but if you fail to ask for permission on both sides, you may be missing important facts and essentially giving a homework assignment to busy people—which is the last thing they need, and may harm your standing in the process. If my colleague actually had a clue how busy I was (or had bothered to ask), he might have realized it was an inopportune time. Instead, I now have to deal with the reputational consequences if I don’t “hop to it” and schedule a call quickly. Make sure you get a green light from both parties before making any introductions.

Go all-in on your memberships

One of the best strategies to feel more normal about networking is to approach people as a peer, rather than a supplicant. And you can do that especially well if you actually are someone’s peer. Some professionals assume that joining lots of groups—alumni chapters, professional associations, civic committees, employee resource groups, and the like—is the best way to meet lots of people. That works if your networking strategy is about quantity. But if you’re optimizing for quality, it’s far better to join fewer groups and go deep.