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#CareerAdvice : What To Do If You Work For A Narcissistic Boss. What Are The Warning Signs & What to Do? Thoughts/Suggestions?

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Have you ever started a job and had a weird feeling about your new boss? They seemed polite, considerate and caring during the interview process. The manager made exciting promises about career growth within the organization. They confided in you that they were on a fast track to becoming a top executive and would take you along for the ride.

Over time, you’ve noticed a change. The supervisor has a darker side: a highly inflated ego, an inflated sense of entitlement and a glaring lack of empathy for their team.

At first, you may have given your boss the benefit of the doubt. You rationalize that you’ve all been under a great deal of stress and anxiety over the last two years dealing with the pandemic. You make an excuse for them, telling yourself that you never really never know what a person is going through. You tell your co-workers that problems at home could be the reason for the outbreaks.

As time progresses, it becomes clear that it’s more than just having a difficult boss. The person is disconnected from reality. Your manager may be a narcissist.

 

Here are some signs to watch out for to determine if you’re working for a narcissistic boss.

What Is a Narcissist?

A narcissistic boss is not like the boss from Dilbert⁠—this person is on a whole other level. A narcissistic personality disorder demonstrates a pattern of arrogant, self-centered actions.

The boss is devoid of empathy, lacks consideration for the staff and constantly needs people to provide them affirmation and adoration. You’ll notice that the supervisor tries to manipulate and take advantage of the weaknesses of others. The manager is primarily concerned with their career and disinterested in the growth of their staff.

The workplace becomes toxic as narcissists create friction, tension and drama to gain a continual flow of attention.

A disturbing element of narcissists is that they are drawn to power and are status seekers. They possess the learned skills of seizing opportunities to advance themselves up the corporate ladder without any regard for those who are trampled upon to get there.

 

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 What are the Warning Signs To Look Out For

A narcissistic boss feels entitled to privileges and special treatment. They will manipulate workers to get what they want, even if it means stealing credit for another person’s work product.

They’ll constantly seek out praise from their staff. They’ll exaggerate their importance and contributions to put themselves on a pedestal. Of course, they won’t be humble about any small accomplishment and brag or outright lie about what they’ve done at the office. They’ll pick out pet employees who will stroke their massive egos. The narcissist won’t apologize, as it’s always someone else’s fault.

Their behavior can make the workplace feel hostile and toxic. They’ll pit people against each other. Instead of offering psychological safety, narcissists will feel free to hurl abuses at their staff and dress them down in public.

The Impact On Your Career And Mental Health

If you work for this type of person, it’s a foregone conclusion that your mental and emotional well-being will be impacted. You’ll worry about holding onto your job due to the mercurial tendencies of the boss. One day, they’ll love you and the next day, you’ll get ignored or yelled at.

If you show signs of promise to upper management, the temperamental narcissist will look at it as a personal threat and try to sabotage your promotion and advancement. Any minor deviance from the manager’s strategy will be perceived as a personal attack and will be met with punishment.

The boss will use a “divide and conquer” approach, pitting people against each other. A worker who doesn’t kowtow to the boss will be ostracized. If you point out a problem that needs tending to, the manager will gaslight you into making you feel that you caused it, even though it was the narcissist’s fault.

Fear runs rampant within the division. Employees don’t know if the manager will praise or admonish their work. It’s easy to start doubting yourself and your abilities. It becomes increasingly hard to focus, as you’re always worried about an outburst from your boss. You’ll start feeling on edge, calling out sick and taking days off work.

What You Need To Do About It

If you need the job, you’ll have to learn to go along and play the game. Try to gain an understanding of the person. Figure out ways to ingratiate yourself with them. It may feel demeaning, but feed into their ego with flattery and praise to stay on the person’s good side. Make them shine in a meeting. Give the credit for a successful project to the boss, even though you did all the hard work and put in the long hours.

Unfortunately, this is only a Band-Aid solution. You can’t change a narcissist. Usually, going to senior management or human resources would be the solution. However, in this instance, it most likely won’t work.

The manager is not rational or reasonable, so they’d likely lie and blame everything on you. They probably even have a file of trumped-up charges of things you supposedly did wrong.

Rather than fighting a losing battle or trying to redeem the person, you may be better off cutting your losses and moving on to another opportunity for the sake of your mental health.

 

Forbes.com | August 16, 2022 | Jack Kelly 

#Leadeship : Here’s How to Stop an Argument with a #Narcissist from Spinning Out of Control… Great Tips on Dealing with your #Boss , Friend, or Family Member(s). Got One in Mind??

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  • Narcissists struggle with having positive feelings about someone while they are mad at them.
  • This means they get incredibly fierce and cruel during arguments.
  • For many people, the best thing to do is to leave a narcissist and cut them out of their life.
  • If this isn’t possible there are some tactics you can use to stop the argument escalating.
  • But it won’t be easy.

Narcissists tend to be incapable of something called “object constancy.” This means they struggle to have positive feelings at the same time as negative ones.

For example, once they are fired up for a fight, they can be incredibly cruel, because all they can comprehend in the moment are feelings of resentment and anger.

As a result, an argument about the smallest of issues can escalate quickly and fiercely. Something you may have thought of as unimportant, or even irrelevant, has been blown into a relationship-ending level row. They’ve spent your entire relationship working out how to push your buttons, and they will use everything in their power to make you feel insignificant and small.

If the narcissist is physically abusive, the tiniest inconvenience can cause them to throw things or even strike their partner.

Narcissists can be very delicate, depending on what sub-type they are. They can easily become offended, often accusing their partner of being “disrespectful” or “selfish” if they dare to do something for themselves. The world should revolve around them in their eyes, so focusing on anything else is taken as a direct attack.

This isn’t necessarily a conscious act, and it’s hard to understand whether narcissists really mean to cause the harm they do or not.

Expect the fight of your life

Elinor Greenberg, a therapist who wrote the book “Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety,” told Business Insider that fighting with a narcissist is a completely different experience to regular relationship quarrels.

They are wired to be abusive because they’re so hypersensitive and completely lack empathy, so they are primed to take offense and misunderstand someone else’s needs and points of view.

“It’s a lot of work for a therapist,” she said. “I get screamed at, I’ve had people run from my room over the UPS man ringing my doorbell… I do 45 minute sessions, but the person who lives with them has it 24/7. So if they’re going to yell at me over the UPS man, you can see just how hard it is for them to have a relationship without getting nasty.”

Narcissistic rage ranges from direct confrontation with name-calling and hurtful slurs, to calculated, closed down reactions like giving their partner the silent treatment for hours at a time.

“They give you the cold shoulder, or they walk out and they find another woman,” Greenberg said. “But it’s all done silently and coolly and coldly — you know what you did.”

In a blog post for Psychology Today, Greenberg highlighted a set of ways you can de-escalate an argument with a narcissist if you find yourself in that position.

For most people, breaking things off with a narcissist and being free from them is the only option. They will never change, and your energy is better off being used elsewhere.

But there may be some instances where narcissists are unavoidable, like if you have a toxic colleague or member of the family.

Here are the steps you should take:

1. Don’t argue about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’

There’s no point trying to figure out who is “to blame” for something, as narcissists will never admit fault. They want to blame you for any negative emotions they are feeling, because they utterly rely on the image they are portraying as being faultless.

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2. Instead, try to empathise with their feelings

If you are with a narcissist in the first place, you probably already have a lot of empathy. But even the most caring people struggle to see the sense of having it for someone who is hurling insult after insult at them.

However, if you find yourself backed into a corner, one way to sooth a narcissist’s rage is to empathise with their feelings, and say something like: “You must have felt very hurt by what I did, I can understand why you are feeling that way.”

3. Use ‘we’ language

By saying “we” rather than “I” or “you,” you include yourself in the behaviour. The narcissist is probably so angry at you because you dared to defend yourself, so to try and stop the argument escalating further you can try and remind them you’re in this together, and it’ll be better off for everyone to stop.

4. Don’t expect an apology

There’s no chance of the narcissist admitting to any wrongdoing or apologising. This includes asking them to process what really happened. According to Greenberg, a narcissist will not be comfortable with the idea that they started an argument over something trivial, so it’s best to just move on.

5. Ask about a topic that interests them

Narcissists love talking about themselves, or expressing just how much more they know about something than you do. So, in a similar way you might distract a baby with a set of keys, you can dangle a new topic in front of their face to veer the conversation away from conflict. This might not be that effective in the midst of a fierce row, but if you do it after some time has passed, the narcissist will probably take the bait.

Another similar solution is to ask for advice. This may look like a slightly less transparent way of changing the subject, because it’ll make the narcissist feel like they are the only person you can go to, and make them feel superior.

6. Don’t take the bait yourself

As the narcissist believes you have hurt them severely by whatever they think you did, they’ll want to do the same to you. This means they’ll proverbially throw everything at you, from that one time you misbehaved a year ago, to how you’re acting selfishly right now.

Essentially, they are trying to get the maximum response out of you they can. Greenberg says that by ignoring the insult, you can often avoid the pointless fight. If you rise to the bait, things are likely to escalate, and you’re effectively giving the narcissist exactly what they want — your pain.

7. Remember to put yourself first

Most experts believe being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist is an emotionally draining, damaging process. Ultimately, it’s up to you if you think the tedious ego stroking and hard work is worth it or not.

In all likelihood, you’ll probably realise it isn’t, and you’ll one day be able to move on with your life without the narcissist holding you back. But in the meantime, using these methods to de-escalate a narcissist who is on a roll can help get you out of upsetting, and potentially dangerous, situations.

Businessinsider.com | February 11, 2018 | 

 

 

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