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#Leadership : #ConflictResolution – 5 Signs that you’re Being Manipulated in the #Workplace .

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You’re nervous or dread going to work because you don’t know what to expect from your boss. Half the time, they are a wonderful person and mentor, but the other half of the time, they turn into a completely different person. You are scared to share your thoughts and ideas in a meeting for fear of retribution or backlash. You have a coworker offer to do a favor, but then they make you obligated and indebted to them. You confide in a colleague at work only to have them use it against you in a complete violation of trust.

In all these cases, you are being manipulated—and you may not even realize it. The thing is, manipulation is all about control. It is used to gain power in a situation, enabling one side to have all the advantage, while the other feels demoralized. The person controls your behaviors and decisions to get what he or she wants. The result is a toxic environment that is not only demoralizing but also derails your success.

How do we prevent that from happening? I’ve coached thousands on the topic of toxic relationships through courses and training, and I’ve learned that the first thing you need to do is recognize the signs in the first place.

Below are five signs you are being manipulated.

1. YOU OFTEN CRY OR FEEL DEPRESSED AROUND THIS PERSON

This is the ultimate sign that something bigger is going on. In the beginning, you may not even know it’s happening because you are constantly conceding to their demands or so-called needs, and you’re limiting your voice as you go through this. But sooner or later you’ll get beaten down. Your self-esteem drops, you lose confidence, and your overall demeanor changes.

I’ve done a tremendous amount of work with business owners for the past 15 years who have had some terrible relationship problems. The toxic relationship hampered their ability to earn money, advance their career, or assert their values. It just holds them down emotionally and ultimately ends up holding them down financially.

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2. YOU FEEL OBLIGATED TO THE PERSON

Obligation is a form of manipulation. It takes many shapes, including returning a favor or agreeing to do something that makes you uncomfortable. If you don’t bow to their demands, they’ll find a way to make you feel guilty, even if you have a good reason.

It is a business killer of the worst kind because it traps you in a place where you’re not free to do the things that you need to do in your business or career. If a person begins to fall into a place where they feel extremely obligated about something, they’re going to be hesitant to make new agreements to avoid taking on more obligations.

3. YOU HAVE CHANGED TO SUIT THE RELATIONSHIP

You may have changed your behavior, approach, or even morals based on a manipulative relationship. Yet, the person is still not satisfied.

This kind of toxicity is one where you can never make somebody happy—no matter what you do or who you are. When a person is coming from the place that causes this problem, you will never be at ease. There is always a heaviness about the relationship that makes a person consistently uncomfortable.

4. YOU CAN’T PREDICT THE PERSON’S REACTION

Manipulators are sweet one minute and mean the next. Now, I’m talking about more somebody just being angry or upset about something—their behavior always blindsides you, and you never see it coming. You ask yourself, “What did I do? Did I do something wrong? What did I do wrong?” More often than not, you did nothing wrong. Their reaction doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with something you did or did not do. They may be having a bad day or are upset by something, and they’re choosing to make you the scapegoat.

5. YOU FEEL DEVALUED

It doesn’t matter what your opinion is; they devalue it. They say, “You’re stupid,” “You’re an idiot,” or “That’s a stupid idea.” They make it clear that your opinion is not wanted. They can also do this if you are recognized for an achievement, by saying, “It’s not that big of a deal,” or “You didn’t really deserve it.”

They can also do this in subtle ways by not looking at you when you’re speaking or trying to talk over you. Everybody has experienced the conversation where you’re telling somebody something, and over the top of your communication, they’re saying, “Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.” They don’t hear you. They’re devaluing you.

HOW TO STOP WORKPLACE MANIPULATION

The best way to stop workplace manipulation is to do everything you can to prevent it from happening in the first place. It’s important to set boundaries from the start and explain that you’re not going to adjust things in your behavior that are important to you.

If you are already in a manipulative workplace relationship, take time to reset expectations with the individual. And if that doesn’t work, it’s probably a conversation that you need to bring up with HR.

Author: David Neagle is the founder of the multimillion-dollar global coaching companyLife Is Now, Inc.

 

FastCompany.com | August 9, 2019

#Leadership – #ProductivePeople – 3 Ways to Deal with Conflict More Productively. A #MustRead !

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When you think of conflict, what comes to mind? Is it something that you try to avoid? Something you dread? Do you associate it with words like ‘somebody gets hurt’ or ‘fighting’?

The thing is, conflict is an inescapable part of life. You shouldn’t ask yourself, “Will I experience conflict?” but rather, “How will I manage conflict when it happens?”

WHAT IS CONFLICT?

Generally, there are two ways to “work it out” in a conflict: manage it alone, or with others. Conflict resolution books tend to lean into the latter with communication, problem-solving, and collaboration as the primary means of handling conflict. Proven tactics in this domain include:

  • Separating the person from the problem
  • Using “I” instead of “You” statements
  • Asking open-ended questions
  • Using active listening
  • Differentiating interest from positions
  • Coming up with options for mutual benefit

However, there isn’t a lot of of literature on self-managing disputes. This is surprising, as a conflict is first and foremost a perception of incompatibility, which begins and (frequently) ends in our minds.

Conditions like power asymmetries, conflict anxiety, and poor timing prevent us from addressing difficulties with others. But few of us are naturally equipped with the tools to self-manage conflict, and so we end up telling ourselves problematic stories that make everything worse.

Don’t do that. Instead, try one of these three methods ahead.

1. TO TAME IT, NAME IT

Negative emotions are the glue that holds a conflict together. People often speak of “losing” their temper or having a feeling get the “best” of them. These phrases demonstrate the power and pull that emotions can have in a conflict.

One of the simplest and most effective ways to take control of your emotions is to give them a label. Research shows that labeling an emotion—in contrast to suppressing or shouting it—reduces its intensity. Naming the feeling allows you to regain composure, rethink the problem, and make better decisions.

Research also indicates that people who regulate emotions best are those who can go beyond the surface. Instead of just saying, “I’m feeling angry,” they recognize and label the nuances of their feelings (i.e., betrayal, disrespect, disappointment, stuck, frustration, etc.).

Susan David, the best-selling author of Emotional Agility, recommends asking yourself the following questions when you feel emotions taking over:

  • What is it that I’m experiencing exactly?
  • What is the emotion beneath the emotion?
  • What are two other emotions that I’m experiencing?

 

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2. TELL A BETTER STORY

Many of us also prolong conflicts by telling ourselves problematic stories.

Pause for a moment, and think about the last significant conflict you experienced:

  • Did it have a beginning, middle, and end?
  •  How did it start? Who initiated it?
  • Who were the characters: the hero, villain, victim, rescuer?
  • What are the central themes: (in)justice, power, respect, betrayal?

When we experience conflict, we default into storytelling mode. We spin narratives with plotlines and often reduce the other person into a not-so-great human being. We say things like, “John is such a jerk. He went out of his way to embarrass me”; “Olivia keeps shooting down my ideas. That megalomaniac clearly wants to be in charge.”

The problem with this line of thinking is not only that it’s often wrong, but it also does us a disservice. It rehashes the conflict in our heads and intensifies our negative emotions.

Here at LifeLabs Learning, we use what we call the three lens model. Anytime you are in conflict with someone, ask yourself: Besides being a jerk, what other forces are influencing this person’s behavior? How am I contributing to the conflict? What would I do in their shoes?

When you ask yourself these questions, you acknowledge that there are nuances to the situation. This mindset allows you to develop more tolerance and understanding, and you’ll have an easier time letting the old stories (and feelings associated with them) go.

3. DO A 180

Another interesting characteristic of conflicts is they become predictable. Person A does something, and Person B reacts, Person A reacts to Person B, and so on. Sometimes the pull of the conflict is so strong that even though both parties can predict what will unfold, they still act their part as though they are following a script.

In these situations, we frequently fixate on how to change the other person or people in the conflict, but we usually fail to realize that the first thing we have the power to change is our behavior.

How can we disrupt the pattern and inject something novel into the interaction?

Marriage scholar and practitioner Michele Weiner-Davis recommends doing a 180: identifying problematic behaviors and doing the opposite of what we usually do. For example:

  • Instead of being reactive, invite the person into a conversation.
  • Instead of starting with an accusation, show empathy.
  • Instead of complaining, show gratitude.
  • Instead of being critical, be curious.
  • Instead of arguing, suggest doing an unrelated task.

One of my favorite examples of using positive surprise to transform conflict comes via Abraham Lincoln. Towards the end of the devastating Civil War, Lincoln began to publicly speak about the need to unify the country and treat the South with generosity.

On one such occasion, at the White House, he was approached by a disgruntled Yankee patriot who asked, “Mr. President, how dare you speak kindly of our enemies when you should be thinking of destroying them.” To this, Lincoln quickly replied, “Madam, do I not destroy my enemies when I turn them into my friend?”

So next time you find yourself in conflict and need self-management, think about following the three tips above. You might realize that you have more control than you think when it comes to how a particular situation makes you feel.

Author: Roi Ben-Yehuda is a trainer at LifeLabs Learning where he helps people at innovative companies (like Squarespace, Tumblr, Venmo, WeWork, and Warby Parker) master life’s most useful skills.

 

FastCompany.com | July 13, 2019

#Leadership : What You Don’t Know About #ConflictResolution Will Hurt You.

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Over the past 13 years of career coaching mid- to high-level professional women, I’ve heard about virtually every type of conflict that exists in the workplace, as well as heartbreaking stories from my clients about how they (unconsciously) escalated their conflicts, with disastrous results.

After we examine the conflict at a deeper level and understand how it triggered insecurities and fears within them, and after openly examining their contribution to it, many of these clients say,“Wow, I wish I’d known this years ago! It would have saved me a lot of suffering at work.”

In looking back on my own 18 years in corporate life, I can say that I knew practically nothing about the best ways to address or resolve conflict and it showed. Compound that with being a young mom who was exhausted and stressed, with emotions (and fears) that ran very high in many of my jobs, I can see clearly how I contributed to–and even exacerbated—the conflicts I found myself in.

To learn more about conflict resolution and how to achieve it in the workplace, I was excited to connect this month with conflict specialist Cinnie Noble. Noble is founder of Cinergy and a former lawyer who works as workplace mediator and executive coach. She is a pioneer of conflict management coaching having created the Cinergy model in 1999. Noble coaches leaders worldwide to strengthen their conflict competence and teaches coaches, mediators, HR, lawyers and others around the world to provide her model.

Noble has authored six books–two of which are on conflict coaching including Conflict Mastery: Questions to Guide You and Conflict Management Coaching: The Cinergy™ Model. She posts a weekly blog containing scenarios and questions on a range of conflict situations at ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions)

Here’s what Noble shares on conflict resolution:

Kathy Caprino: How did you get into the area of conflict management coaching? What drove you to pursue it?

Cinnie Noble: During research towards a Master of Laws in Alternative Dispute Resolution, I became aware increasingly aware that one of the main reasons for conflict in workplaces is that leaders and others lack the ability to ‘be’ in conflict – to confidently and competently engage in fractious situations.

No matter what training people may have had, many do not have opportunities to work on their particular challenges and ways to replace destructive habits with more constructive ones. Executive coaching was just emerging during my studies, and I learned there was no coaching framework specific to conflict. So, to fill the gap, I enrolled in a coaching program and concentrated on creating a conflict management coaching model for leaders and others for the purpose of strengthening their conflict competence. Its use has grown exponentially as more and more organizations strive to eliminate the negative impact of poorly managed conflict by supporting leaders to develop the related proficiencies.

I would like to add though that many organizations do not accept that conflict is a normal and inevitable part of working interdependently. Or, that conflict—whether it is about ideas, policies, tasks, roles, responsibilities, or relationships— provides opportunities to inspire innovative processes, improve communications, strengthen morale, and facilitate more productive and creative workplaces.

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Caprino: In your experience, what are the top three areas conflict in the workplace that is most difficult to resolve?

Noble: Within any organization there are so many types of conflicts and some are more difficult to resolve than others, even of the ones l name here. The three areas though that can be especially difficult to resolve are cases of bullying and other abrasive behaviors, harassment in whatever form it takes, and long-standing conflicts in which the parties are entrenched.

Caprino: How are leaders and managers typically challenged in their approach to management of conflict?

Noble: Generally, leaders and managers lack conflict competence which includes:

·       the ability to regulate emotions and remain calm when emotions run high

·       remaining open to others’ perspectives

·       encouraging and supporting conflict conversations

·       not running away from conflict

Those who develop conflict competence are more apt to listen closely and with curiosity to divergent views—without judgment and defensiveness. Similarly, those who gain conflict mastery converse in conciliatory ways towards finding mutually satisfactory solutions.

I would add that there is something that challenges many leaders which is the lack of awareness many have about their own contribution to conflict. For them and most of us, for that matter, once entrenched in our perspectives, or when lacking awareness of how we adversely impact others (with words, deeds, attitudes, etc.) it can be very difficult to consider our part in the dissension. Another problematic behavior is the need to be right–thereby making wrong those who disagree with us—as though there is only one answer to a problem.

What I have found astounding is that many leaders make excuses (such as time constraints) to avoid dealing with conflict and do not accept that if the issues are not properly addressed the fall-out is usually much huger both timewise and financially.

Caprino: As a conflict management coach, what would you share as the three best strategies to help us resolve our conflicts with others more satisfactorily?

Noble: Here are my top three:

Listen to hear (not listen to talk)

Listening is essential, but it’s especially important to listen to hear, taking in everything the other person is communicating. Just saying, “Tell me more” until the person’s entire viewpoint is expressed is a major strategy. Fully hearing others’ perspectives helps reduce our assumptions and tendencies to react ineffectively such as by defending ourselves, arguing or giving advice.

Gaining distance

Gaining distance is also important, both physical and emotional. That is, it’s necessary to take some time to shift our brains from our reactions that activate the emotional part of our brains and interfere with our ability to think, problem solve, make decisions, and shift to the reflective part of our brains so we can respond with reason and dignity.

Get clear about your desired outcome

A third strategy is to be clear about our desired outcome and align our words and actions accordingly. It’s about getting in touch with what’s important to the other person and to us individually and together. It’s about focusing our mindsets to think and interact in conciliatory ways and in a manner consistent with how we want to be (and to be perceived) in the conflict.

Caprino:What don’t most of us understand about the nature of conflict and how to address it effectively? Where are most of us getting it wrong?

Noble: A starting point consideration for this question is that we all have our own range of sensibilities about the attitudes, actions, tones of voice, words and sorts of body language that irritate us. It’s commonly the case that when we react, we are perceiving something important to us is being undermined or challenged. This might be our values, needs or aspects of our identity. We then tend to rely on our perceptions as truths though they may not be accurate.

Here’s an example: Let’s say we react when we sense people are condescending towards us. In these cases, we might perceive they are undermining our intelligence, our expertise, or something else we value about ourselves. Once we sense we are being denigrated this way we then tend to make assumptions about the person. For instance, we might assume they see themselves as superior or consider us as incompetent.

This sort of trajectory builds up, especially if we repeatedly encounter the same person’s offending action, tone, attitude etc. Ultimately, because we have come to believe our assumptions, we engage in fractious interactions with the person, or ignore them, or take other steps that reflect our way of managing ourselves when offended.

The key here is to, first, gain some distance as mentioned above, and consider if our assumptions are correct or if there is something else going on. For instance, might that person be feeling insecure, or threatened by us, or trying to impress someone nearby or any other reason? Did we do something to offend them?

Even if they intended to undermine us, what reasons might there be for doing so? Sometimes such reflections shift our initial perceptions. If not, it’s important to check them out with the other person which takes courage, especially if we are conflict-avoidant. In the end, it is ultimately a sign of conflict competence to think things out before reacting and to learn ways of engaging in conversations to clarify our assumptions and not act on them.

What most organizations get wrong is waiting until conflict has escalated before they address it. Generally, workplaces do not normalize conflict and build a culture of conflict competence. This might include for instance, making effective conflict management a core competency and support their leaders (and staff) to develop their related skills. Having system-wide, easily accessible conflict management options for leaders and staff to turn to such as coaching, mediation and peer review is also important to pre-empt unnecessary conflict and effectively address necessary conflict.

Caprino: Is the ultimate result of conflict resolution always peace, or can (should) it be something else?

Noble: Coaching focuses on clients’ goals and I would say most who are engaged in a current conflict are looking for peaceful resolution, or at least inner peace regarding their conflicts. However, resolution of some workplace disputes is not peaceful particularly when it involves someone losing their job, being demoted, disciplined, warned, etc.

Conflict coaching clients, in such situations, struggle with how to deliver hard messages in the best possible way knowing that the other person may react. When the message is delivered well, the blow is not as difficult to take, and such conversations can be enriching though not necessarily peaceful.

In the end, conflict resolution may not always be about peace. It may be about deciding on the optimum way forward for all concerned—when the issues are difficult, and the relationship is suffering. The outcome might not work well for everyone. Rather, it may mean making the best of the situation, accepting our differences, or finding peace from walking away with grace.

For more information, visit www.cinergycoaching.com.

To strengthen your communication and relationship skills, work with Kathy Caprino in her Career Breakthrough programs and tune into her podcast Finding Brave.

 

Forbes.com | May 28, 2019 | Kathy Caprino – Senior Contributor

#Leadership : #ProductivePeople- How to Train your Brain to Like People Who Annoy You.

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No matter how much you try to like people, there is always someone in your work life who annoys you. You see them coming down the hall and your skin crawls. Invariably, they say something that rubs you the wrong way, and you leave the interaction feeling justified that you dislike this person so much.

Back in the 1970’s, Tory Higgins and his colleagues pointed out that most of the behaviors you observe in other people are ambiguous. Suppose you meet Donald and find out that he is very certain of his ability to perform well at work. Is he self-confident or conceited? How you interpret his behavior depends on what you think about him already. If you like him, then you admire him for his confidence. If you don’t, then you think he is a narcissistic jerk.

The first thing you have to realize is that your reaction to someone is self-fulfilling in some ways. If you don’t like someone, you will interpret their behaviors in a more negative light than if you like them. So, the very same behavior can be taken as evidence for why you should or shouldn’t like them depending on what you already believe.

Compounding this problem is our tendency to focus on a coherent story about people. So, when you don’t like someone, you emphasize their negative qualities and minimize their positive ones. Then, when you think about them, most of the information you have is consistent with your overall belief.

TELL YOURSELF YOU LIKE THEM

These two lines of work suggest that the first thing you need to do when you are faced with someone who bugs you is to think happy thoughts about them. Really, if you start your interaction with someone focusing on what a good person they probably are, you will be more likely to interpret what they do charitably and to focus on their desirable characteristics.

Of course, some people will still do things that bother you. Perhaps they complain all the time when you wish they would just find something nice to say. Or maybe they don’t participate in workplace events and seem aloof or superior to everyone else.

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FOCUS ON THE SITUATION

The next thing you should do is to focus on the situation rather than the person. At any given moment, a person’s actions are being driven by three factors: their deep-seated motivations (what we often call personality), their current goals, and the constraints of the situation. A colleague might drink the last cup of coffee in the kitchen without putting up a new pot because they are selfish (an aspect of personality), because they were rushing to bring that coffee to a supervisor (so, they were pursuing a particular goal), or because they were running late to an important meeting (an aspect of the situation).

Your general tendency is to assume that someone else takes the actions they do because of their traits. So, when you see someone do something that annoys you, you assume it is because they are a bad person.

CONSIDER EVERYTHING ELSE

If you want to think differently about this person, ask yourself what other factors might have led to this behavior. Is there some goal they might have that would make this behavior sensible? Is there something you missed about the situation where you would do the same thing if you were in that situation? If so, then maybe what you witnessed was perfectly reasonable.

Finally, when all else fails, you want to be proactive. It turns out that you can also create negative interactions with people by your own interactions. You see someone who bothers you coming down the hallway, and your facial expression goes dark. You say a clipped “hello” and try to get away. The other person might have been in a perfectly good mood until they saw your stormy face, which then affected their own behavior.

Instead, take advantage of people’s natural tendency to mirror what you do when you interact with them. Give a big smile. Wave. Wish them a good day. Tell them a piece of good news. You just might find that the advice to “fake it ’til you make it” works for your social interactions as well.

FastCompany.com | December 20, 2018