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#Leadership : Six Entrepreneurs Share Tricks For Diffusing Office Conflicts…Arguments are bound to happen. Here’s how to deal with them.

December 6, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

Below are ideas/concepts from the following Entrepreneurs to manage your company’s conflict:

1. Confront it.

“If people come to me with a conflict, my first question is whether they’ve addressed the person or people directly. If they haven’t, I send them back. I’m clear about this expectation from day one, and employees’ performance reviews include ranking their ability to provide constructive feedback. Aligning incentives to this value has led to a zero-drama, zero-gossip workplace.” — Lauren Schulte, CEO and founder, The Flex Company

2. Know when to cut ties.

“I subscribe to the notion that there are three sides to every story — yours, mine and the truth that lies somewhere in between. Addressing conflicts and working to find mutual goals, together, is the best way to handle clashes and even find ways to collaborate more deeply. All that said, sometimes issues can’t be resolved. And sometimes dissolution is the best resolution for everyone.” — Aaron Kwittken, founder and CEO, KWT Global

3. Take it outside.

“We tend to resolve minor conflicts and issues quickly. That said, when people have fundamental differences in how they’re approaching individual or team decisions, I find it’s best to just grab some time over coffee or beers outside the office. Being in a different setting tends to add levity to situations that sometimes just need that sort of perspective.” — Paul Hedrick, founder and CEO, Tecovas

4. Embrace it.

“I have worked with my cofounder, Dan Leibu, for more than 20 years, and we love to debate. It may seem like fighting at times, but it is simply our pushing each other toward the best possible outcome. So in this context, conflict is good. We had a doozy two years ago when we were trying to figure out our position in the world of health insurance. We both had to compromise, but once we landed in a shared place, we moved forward with clarity and purpose. Pressure makes diamonds, or so the saying goes.” — Michael Serbinis, founder and CEO, League

5. Keep it constructive.

“Conflict is healthy if done right. We have one important distinction between healthy and unhealthy conflict: If the disagreement is within the perspective of improving something, it’s great. But if the goal is to tear down or obstruct, it’s unhealthy. We say, ‘Be critical, not cynical.’ ” — Christian Lanng, CEO, Tradeshift

6. Designate a mediator.

“Our onboarding process makes employees aware that they have both their direct team managers and the HR manager to discuss issues with. Oftentimes when conflicts arise, it’s most helpful for employees to talk it out with someone who’s not directly involved and has no stakes. Knowing that it’s not one employee against the other helps ease the side effects of bruised egos.” — Alexandra Fine, CEO, Dame Products

Entrepreneur.com | Entrepreneur Staff MAGAZINE CONTRIBUTOR | December 6, 2018

#Leadership : Secrets of the Most #Productive People -How To Deal With A #PassiveAggressive #Coworker …Resist the Urge to be Passive Aggressive Right Back. Try One of these Five Methods Instead.

May 24, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

We all know that person who uses sarcasm, snide remarks, and stalling tactics to vent their anger. It can seem childish and sometimes frustrating, but it can also be damaging to your career if the passive-aggressive person is a coworker whose actions are directed toward you.

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon. That’s because passive-aggressive behavior is more comfortable to deliver than confrontational behavior, says Charmon Parker Williams, assistant professor of business psychology at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. “Saying what you really mean when you know there will be a disagreement is difficult for many, especially if there is some perceived benefit in sustaining a smooth relationship with a coworker or supervisor,” she says. “Passive-aggressive behavior can be viewed as a way to create more leverage when the level of power is unbalanced in a work situation.”

While venting may release anger in the moment, this type of communication in the workplace is counter-productive. Sarcasm can damage relationships and stalling can interrupt workflow. Instead of being passive aggressive in return, address the behavior by starting conversations or changing your mind-set. Here are five ways to handle a passive-aggressive coworker:

1. SEEK TO UNDERSTAND WHAT’S REALLY BEHIND IT

Organizational change often sparks passive-aggressive behaviors, says Parker Williams. “Employee resistance to changes, like the introduction of new systems or processes, new leadership, a reduction in force, or a new work location often results in passive-aggressive behaviors, especially when employee input was not considered or the change resulted in some degree of loss for the individual,” she says.

“While we often we see resistance as bad, you can also see it as something to honor and understand,” says Beth Linderbaum, managing consultant at Right Management, career and talent development consultants within ManpowerGroup. Introduce the change slowly, and ask the person to share their concerns and listen. “[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][Honoring] these concerns can build the foundation of trust,” she says.

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2. MODEL HEALTHY CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

While passive-aggressive behavior is an unhealthy way of handling conflict, you don’t have to follow suit. Instead, take a deep breath and think about how you can model healthy conflict management, says Linderbaum. “It may mean taking some time and space until cooler heads can prevail,” she says. “It is okay to say, ‘I hear you. Let me have some time to think about this before we discuss further.’ This can mean seeking to understand and looking for solutions where everyone can win.”

Or come to the conversation offering options, adds Parker Williams. “Don’t put them on the defensive,” she says. “Show empathy for their situation and focus on their needs.”

For example, if a coworker is procrastinating in getting you something you need, go to them and say, “I can see that you are busy, I would imagine that you don’t need an interruption,” suggests Parker Williams. “I value your input and really need to talk to you for about 10 minutes about a project that is due by noon. Can we talk now or at 9:30 this morning?”

3. SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS

When you come across a passive-aggressive coworker, evaluate their behavior through that lens, says Vicki Salemi, career expert for Monster. “It’s not a way to chalk it off, but rather about saying to yourself, ‘Okay, this person is passive aggressive, so I need to react and communicate differently than if this person wasn’t passive-aggressive,’” she says.

If your colleague makes a backhanded compliment, for example, try taking it in stride, says Salemi. “Here’s the thing: you need to work alongside this person and produce excellent work even though they may be getting on your nerves,” she says. “Try to get to know them as a person despite their comments, which may come across as snide, demeaning, and arrogant.”

4. SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior is frustrating, and it’s important to think about how you’re being impacted by this person in the long term, says Linderbaum.

“If your efforts to understand and model healthy conflict behaviors don’t work you must look at how you are setting healthy boundaries for yourself and getting the support you need,” she says. “This may mean respectfully standing firm or finding a way to exit the relationship all together.”

You can also seek out a trusted person, such as your manager or HR director, in whom you can confide or ask for advice or perspective.

5. CALL THEM OUT

Finally, you may want to call them out on their game, says Salemi. “They might not even be aware of how you’re perceiving their comments,” she says. “Some people are more blunt in delivery than others.”

While you don’t want to stir the pot to the point of animosity, you also don’t have to bear the brunt of their constant barrage of ammo; that’s the makings of a toxic environment, says Salemi. “Push back in a professional manner, and let them know,” she says. “Keep your cool and don’t take it personally. If this person is passive-aggressive toward you, chances are he or she is operating the same way to others.”

You can also turn the tables and ask for clarification, adds Parker Williams. “Don’t get defensive,” she says. “Then confront the individual in private.”

FastCompany.com | BY STEPHANIE VOZZA | 4 MINUTE READ

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#Leadership : #CareerAdvice – How To Complain While Still Being Professional….So, What Exactly Should you Do when you Disagree with a #CompanyPolicy , or Need to Lodge a #FormalComplaint About your Annoying #CoWorker ?

May 24, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

At any job, issues are bound to come up. From your coworkers to your company policies, not everything can be perfect all the time. So, what exactly should you do when you disagree with a company policy, or need to lodge a formal complaint about your annoying co-worker?

There’s a huge difference between exhibiting radical candor and becoming the office complainer. In order to help employees strike the right balance, Glassdoor spoke with a few career experts to help you resolve your office woes the professional way.

Turn Complaints Into Requests

The first step to take when raising concerns in the work place, according to Amy Van Court, CPCC, PCC, is to talk to your direct supervisor. Despite any past experiences you’ve had bringing feedback to your manager, Van Court notes this is always the best way to start addressing your concerns.

“Start clean. Give your boss an opportunity to surprise you, to advocate for you if necessary,” says Van Court.

But, before actually going in to make your complaint, Van Court suggests taking a moment to consider what you want to happen.

“Turn every complaint you have into a request,” suggest Van Court. “Then you’re creating a path instead of staying stuck in the mud and expecting someone else to get you out.”

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Identify the Solution Ahead of Time

Before you walk into your manager’s office, it’s best to go in prepared with solutions. If you walk in with a long list of complaints and no proactive steps to take to solve them, you’ll end up sounding like a complainer.

“If you have concerns, take some time to get clear on what they are and why they upset you — journaling is great for this,” says Laura Weldy, leadership mentor and life coach at The Well Supported Woman. “Taking some time to prepare will allow you to be precise with your concerns and also help you to avoid saying anything too hastily.”

Laura notes she encourages clients who experience this issue to take this practice one step forward and actually identify what their ideal solution to the problem would be. Whether it’s changing the way you communicate with someone, or requesting a change in your schedule, coming to this meeting prepared will help your manager better understand how to help you.

“Your manager may not be able to make it happen, but they will never know what you’re hoping to see happen if you don’t tell them — plus it shows that you’re proactive about problem-solving,” says Weldy.

When to Take a Complaint Above Your Boss

If your manager can’t help with the situation, or nothing gets resolved after your complaint is made, what steps should you take next? Try taking the request to the person’s boss, or to your manager’s supervisor. Then, if the issues continue to be ignored or unresolved, you can go to human resources.

“I have heard of many examples of people feeling they are not treated justly by their boss (or their boss being unreasonable or speaking in nasty tones) and issues with a fellow employee — such as inappropriate behavior, irritation by sitting too close in a cubicle situation or gossip, etc.,” describes Anne Angerman, MSW at Career Matters. “If there are still issues, I would recommend consulting with an employment attorney and learning if the grievances are valid. Also, it depends what the issues are: Are they personal, such as age discrimination? Or is it an issue with a boss or another employee? Or treatment by another employee?”

Make an Agreement With Your Boss

If you want to ensure your complaint gets the attention you feel it deserves, the best way to keep this conversation professional and between you and your manager is to come to an agreement on how to best handle the situation.

“When you approach your boss with your request, ask him/her if they will agree to look at it and get back to you,” advises Van Court. “Agreements are far better than expectations because they represent a dialogue, where expectations are just something we place on someone whether they want it or not.”

Van Court notes that, if your boss agrees to look into your request, make sure you ask for a date that you can both agree to that the issue can be resolved by. But, if it’s a more serious issue, such as sexual harassment or illegal actions, you will want to have this resolved within a shorter time period, if not immediately.

Don’t Be Afraid to Issue a Complaint — You’ve Got This!

Though making a complaint at work can feel intimidating, approaching the issue in a professional manner will help you reach a resolution.

“I think that the biggest difference between a complaint and constructive feedback is that constructive feedback is solution-oriented,” says Weldy. “Everybody needs to vent now and then, but make sure that the person you’re complaining to is the right person — let small frustrations about scheduling, slightly annoying coworkers or not-so-fun tasks out during conversations with friends and family, not your boss. If you have a bigger problem to address, don’t be shy about addressing it with your manager — you’re both here to make your team better!”

Glassdoor.com | May 23, 2018 | Posted by Isabel Thottam

#Leadership : How To Survive In An Open Office Without Hating Your Coworkers…Working without Walls is Bound to Cause some Problems & Annoyances. Here’s How to Diffuse Disagreements.

May 4, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

Open floor plans and shared office space are supposed to promote a sense of community and culture in your workplace, but they can also lead to tension and arguments. Many of us have encountered coworkers who don’t respect boundaries or listen to our requests. Instead of letting it fester or venting at the water cooler, hash out your differences, says Josselyne Herman-Saccio, communication expert for the training and development company Landmark.+

“Whenever people work together, upsets are inevitable,” she says. “When you understand where communication breaks down and how to heal disagreements as they happen, you create healthy relationships at work and protect productivity.”

PREVENT DISAGREEMENTS FROM HAPPENING

Whenever possible, prevent problems before they start, says Vicki Salemi, career expert for the career site Monster. “Remind yourself you’re in an open workspace, so your colleagues shouldn’t need to hear your personal phone calls, nor do they want a whiff of your reheated lunch, which may not smell pleasant,” she says.

Talk through potential pitfalls before they happen. “You can say something along the lines of, ‘I have an hourlong conference call twice a week with a challenging client. Would it bother you to hear me on the phone because usually it’s on speaker, so I can simultaneously work on a spreadsheet, or do you prefer that I hop into a conference room?’” says Salemi. “The more proactive and transparent you are, the more your colleagues are likely to appreciate working with you in a shared space, and they will also be more likely to initiate conversations on their end.”

Spending time to get to know coworkers can also go a long way, adds Crystal Barnett, senior human resource specialist for the HR solutions provider Insperity. “Some employees prefer quiet time at the start of their day to answer important emails or plan their day,” she says. “Taking their preferences into consideration and giving them some space in the morning may help create a mutually beneficial work environment.”

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IF THERE IS A DISAGREEMENT, ADDRESS IT
Unfortunately, disagreements are inevitable. “This is a normal occurrence that can be constructive if employees remain respectful and professional as they discuss opposing positions or opinions,” says Barnett. “Whenever possible, the affected employees should have a calm and friendly conversation to resolve their differences.”

Start by identifying why you’re upset. “What happened or didn’t happen?” asks Herman-Saccio. “Is it a mood or something specific and actionable?”

Once you’re clear, determine if you didn’t clearly communicate your expectations, and decide if you need to address it with someone else. Approach your colleague, walk through the situation, discuss what happened, and what could have been handled differently, suggests Salemi.

“Most importantly, talk about how to handle it going forward,” she says. “It’s important to always remain professional and try to see things from their perspective, and show them your perspective, as well. Whether or not they’re able to see from your point of view is out of your control.”

SKIP THE BLAME
When something goes wrong, avoid the temptation to assign blame. “Blame is there because we don’t want to be responsible,” says Herman-Saccio. “It’s easier to blame because you don’t have to do anything. Blame is a low-level, childlike function.”

Be responsible for your reaction and for communicating when your expectations are not met. Acknowledge any of your own actions that may have caused upset or disagreement, and ask how you can make things right, says Herman-Saccio.

“Try to use the word ‘you’ as little as possible,” she says.

DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY
Miscommunications also occur when you take things personally. “When you’re a kid, the world revolves around you,” says Herman-Saccio. “We never really grow out of it. If somebody takes five hours to respond to your email, for example, you might think they’re avoiding you when it probably has nothing to do with you.”

Instead, practice not taking things personally. “Rather than living in your personal view and assuming things, find out by asking,” says Herman-Saccio. “You never know what someone else is going through internally, and their bad mood or state of upset is up to them to communicate.”

Give them the opportunity to share their perspective by asking these two questions: Is there something you need to say? Is there something that didn’t go as you had planned that is upsetting you? This gets dialogue started.

DON’T LET FEELINGS FESTER
Communication has the potential of creating conflict, so we often keep to ourselves, but it’s vital that you don’t avoid talking about it, says Herman-Saccio. “In any relationship, avoiding communication is one of biggest routes of deterioration,” she says. “Resentment and frustration starts to color our view. But anything can be worked out in communication.”

Keep lines of communication open. Be upfront with others instead of keeping feelings in your head. “If you’re not getting the results you want, share your expectations so they’re out there,” says Herman-Saccio. “It’s better to be open now than upset later.”

FastCompany.com | May 4, 2018 | BY STEPHANIE VOZZA 4 MINUTE READ

Your #Career : 14 Everyday Habits That Drain Your Energy…Here are 14 Bad Habits that are Easy to Justify in the Moment, But are Hurtful in the Long Term.

May 2, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

Habits are the foundation of who we are as a person and as a professional. We are the product of our everyday habits, and we choose every day whether we want to improve ourselves, maintain excellence or contribute to our own discontent. But first we must be aware of bad habits, so we can take the necessary steps to change them.

Here are 14 bad habits that are easy to justify in the moment, but are hurtful in the long term:

1- Taking Things Personally

When you attribute every interaction a person has with you to how they feel about you, it’s exhausting and more often than not it’s not correct. Chances are, it’s not about you, and you’re not helping the situation by taking it personally. Nat taking things personally will save you a lot of stress and your workplace a lot of needless strain.

2- Holding On To The Past

The past is what it is, there isn’t utility to holding grudges or being angry. The only person you’re impacting by holding on to the past is you. So let things go, if not for them, then for you.

3- Always Checking Email & Social Media

If someone has to wait a couple of hours for an email, then they wait. The world won’t end, so relax.

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4- Constantly Worrying

Worrying does not solve the problem. If something is out of your hands, then it’s out of your hands and there is no point in worrying about it. If there is something you can do about it, then stop worrying and take action. Worrying is a waste of energy, focus on what you can control.

5- Negativity

If you are negative you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. You are not only draining your energy, you’re draining your colleagues’ energy, the workplace’s energy, your friends’ and family’s energy, etc. It is not productive, so try and focus on the positive.

6- Sleeping Too Much

Sleeping too much does not increase your energy, create energy reserves or make you more present when you are awake. It has the opposite impact, too much sleep makes you lethargic. That being said, make sure you’re getting enough sleep, seven to eight hours a night, as it is a major contributor to your health and energy.

7- Poor Diet

You know what I’m about to say, if you’re eating too much sugar, carbs and trans fat you’re just giving energy away to snacks and meals. Be thoughtful about what you eat, eat food that gives you energy, like greens, lean protein and healthy fats, not food that takes it away.

8- Complaining

By complaining you are not only projecting negativity, but you’re forcing the people around you to work in spite of it. No one wants to be around the person who complains about everything. Do not be a part of the problem, be a part of the solution, because people do not want to hear it. Do something productive instead.

10- Not Following Through

Promising a friend, a colleague or your boss something and not following through, you create more stress, anxiety and work for yourself on the back end, and it depletes your self-esteem. Do what you say you are going to do, when you say you will do it and you will have more energy and self-esteem.

11- Being A Passenger

Being a passenger in your own life and career makes you feel like you are tagging along on your own life. Seize control and get in the driver’s seat. No one is going to care more about your life and career than you will, so if you are unhappy, seize control and change your life.

12- Overthinking

Once you have thought things through and you make a decision, stand by it. Overthinking things is usually unproductive and just creates needless stress. Square with whatever risk you take with making a certain decision, do what you can to mitigate it, and then follow through. Overthinking doesn’t create a better outcome, it just drains your energy while you’re executing a tough decision, which isn’t good for you.

13- Gossiping And Participating In Drama

Discussing and creating drama does nothing to advance or career or build better relationships with your colleagues and friends. It is wasting energy on something that likely has nothing to do with you and is not any of your business. Don’t expend energy discussing other people, or trying to make their life more difficult by causing drama. Put that energy into your own self-care and self-improvement.

14- Unhealthy Relationships

In addition to not complaining, not gossiping and not causing drama, you should not surround yourself with people who do those things. They are toxic, and chances are, if they are talking about people behind their back, they are talking about you too. Surround yourself with people who are positive, and who dedicate their energy to their own excellence and lifting up those around them.

15- Constantly Trying To Please Others

You will never please everyone, so it’s best to just try and please yourself. Are you happy and proud of who you are? That’s all that matters, if some people do not like you when you’re at your best, that is not your issue, that is theirs.

Forbes.com | May 2, 2018 | Frances Bridges , CONTRIBUTOR

#Leadership : How To Turn #Conflict Into A #Communication Tool…Many People Try to Avoid #Conflicts at #Work . But if you Know the Right Way to Lodge an Objection, It can Actually Smooth the Way for Better Communication.

April 14, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

Last year, I was working with leaders who had recently joined an Israeli company. One of them said to me, “Anett, I used to work for a Midwestern company, and now I’m working for a company that yells and pounds the table in meetings–you can even hear it on the phone! What do I do?”

“Well, what happens after those meetings?” I asked. “They all go out for coffee!” she told me.

This is a texbook example of constructive conflict. Yes, it might have been emotionally charged and intense, but everyone respected each other enough to be friendly afterward. You might feel that it’s hard to see conflict as anything but a barrier to communication, but if you use it the right way, it can be an effective tool.

Here are some tips on how to do just that.

ATTACK THE IDEA, NOT THE PERSON

Intense conflicts can be civil. The key is not to let it get personal–which means making sure that you direct any criticism toward ideas, not people. Many of us know to avoid telling someone, “I don’t think you’ve done your research on this issue” or, “How could you possibly come to that conclusion?!” since these clearly sound like an attack on the person. But finding alternative phrasing isn’t always easy. When in doubt, delete any second-person (“your”/”your”) phrases from your vocabulary, and start with “I” phrase that zeroes in on the underlying concept. For example, “I struggle with that conclusion.” Now you can center the discussion around the conclusion itself–not the person who proposed it.

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BE ESPECIALLY CAREFUL WITH YOUR TONE

Sometimes what you say doesn’t matter as much as how you say it. And when you’re sharing a critique, you have to be especially mindful of your tone. My client’s colleagues might have participated in loud conversations–but those discussions weren’t overly emotional, sarcastic, or condescending. Tone isn’t about the volume of your voice; you can still be calm and collected while verbally putting someone down. As Fast Company’s Lydia Dishman previously reported, passive-aggression comes in many forms. For example, you might start off by using logic to point out the flaws in your coworker’s point–but if you end by saying something like, “You don’t mind, do you?” your coworker might read your tone as patronizing.

DON’T FLOUT CULTURAL NORMS

Some companies are more comfortable with conflict than others, and every company will have its own “rules” about what’s acceptable and what’s not. Those rules might not be written anywhere, but if you look at how your organization has dealt with conflict in the past, you can usually get a sense of how its culture operates. Some workplaces are comfortable with constructive conflict as long as it stays behind closed doors, and employees and senior leadership show a united front in public. Others embrace displaying their conflict openly. So stay attuned to corporate culture as well as societal norms. As my client found, the way his Midwestern colleagues operated was pretty different than the approach his Israeli associates took. Neither was necessarily “better” or “worse” than the other, but in order to have productive disagreements, he needed to adapt to those teams’ respective cultures.

FOCUS ON MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS (EVEN IF IT MEANS BITING YOUR TONGUE)

Remember, just because you disagree with someone’s idea, you still need to show that you value their input. This might require extra effort on your part–like being selective about when to voice your criticism. If you argue too frequently, others may find it hard to believe you’re doing so in good faith. If, on the other hand, you share your disagreement a little more strategically, you’re more likely to strengthen your relationships–and improve the odds that your criticism will actually register, without hurting feelings.

CALCULATE THE OPPORTUNITY COST

On the other hand, if you’re on the fence about whether to raise an objection, consider the possible downsides to not engaging in constructive conflict. What potential consequences will staying silent bring? Depending on your company culture, you may be viewed as lacking conviction in your ideas if you seem afraid to stand up for them. In that case, not speaking up could actually backfire. Not to mention, if you don’t voice your disagreement early on, you might be setting yourself up for a bigger explosion later by keeping your thoughts bottled up.

Needless to say, no two situations will be the same. If you’re unsure of how direct you should be–start by listening and observing. You can learn a lot just by paying attention to people’s body language and how they respond. When it comes to constructive conflict, context is everything. But whatever you do, just don’t let it get personal.

FastCompany.com| April 14, 2018 | Anett Grant

#Leadership : #WorkPlace Evolution- Your #TeamMembers Need To Disagree More. Here’s How To Help Them…You Do Want Everyone to Get on Board with Whatever Decision they Ultimately Reach Together. You just Don’t Want that to Happen Right Away.

March 5, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

The most effective teams have regular, intense debates. The ability to disagree without causing offense is a crucial precondition for good communication and problem-solving. Yet whenever we ask the managers we speak with what they’d prefer–a team that’s almost always harmonious or one that has conflicts and arguments–the vast majority vote for the latter.

Not only is harmony overrated, but it undermines innovative thinking, particularly the kind that diverse work cultures are supposed to generate. Rather than encourage your team members to come to agreements quickly, effective managers do the reverse: They help their teams disagree–productively.

GROUND RULES FOR HEALTHY DEBATE

Teammates want the opportunity to challenge each other. As long as discussions are respectful and everyone gets a chance to contribute equally, most people thrive on this kind of debate, finding it not only intellectually stimulating but also helpful for unearthing the best solutions.

What’s more, teams typically feel more bonded and more effective when they have challenging discussions regularly, trading a wide range of ideas and perspectives. That’s even true when those debates get a little heated. After all, this is the whole point of diversity and inclusion–it’s about bringing in people whose points of view differ in order to spark new ideas and ways of looking at things. But facilitating these conversations takes some ground rules, like these:

Treat each other with respect, and challenge the position, not the person.
Listen to one another carefully before responding, and ask for clarification if needed. Gather facts; don’t jump to conclusions.
Come to the debate ready to present facts and data, not suppositions.
Do not compete to “win.” Debates are a chance to find and test the best ideas and to learn, not to score points.
After the team makes a decision collaboratively, everyone needs to respect and support it, even if they have their own reservations.

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SIX QUESTIONS FOR FACILITATING SMART DEBATES

Mark Beck is the CEO of JELD-WEN, a global window and door manufacturer with 20,000 employees. He believes it’s leaders’ jobs to step in and protect people when things get heated–which they sometimes still do, even after laying down solid guidelines.

In some cases, Beck says, he might take the side of a person whose view is under assault, even if he personally doesn’t necessarily agree with it. This isn’t gamesmanship, it’s to show that the person is offering up a reasonable way of thinking that should be respected. “The attacker usually steps back a little and softens their tone when a leader does that,” he told us.

And, Beck adds, managers must take the lead in getting everyone to participate by posing the right questions. Here are six great questions we’ve heard effective team leaders like Beck throw out in debates:

That’s a good thought. Could you walk us through the process you went through to reach that conclusion?
What rules should we be breaking here?
What’s our biggest risk in this, and what’s our fallback position?’
What if we did nothing at all–what would happen then?
Are we missing or forgetting anything?
Aside from earning us a profit, how would this decision change lives and make the world a better place?

Beck said that smart questions can encourage active debate when a team has plateaued or is stuck in a safe zone. At times of such inertia, he’ll tell his direct reports, “The only way you can get your topic on the management-team agenda is to frame it out as a question, and collectively we have to come up with an answer.”

CHANGING THE QUESTION

These six questions aren’t the end-all-be-all, though. Sometimes you need to reframe a question you’ve already asked and revisit it from a new angle.

*The Best Team Wins: The New Science Of High Performance* by Adrian Gostick and Chester Elton

When Beck arrived at JELD-WEN, the company’s focus was on getting ready to issue an initial public offering (IPO). He changed the question to, “How do we get ready to become a Fortune 500 company?” JELD-WEN did wind up issuing a very successful IPO in 2017, “but,” says Beck, “that’s been because we were focused on building a Fortune 500 company,” he said. “If we had just focused on the IPO and seen that as the finish line, I don’t think our story would have resonated with investors in the same way.”

And ironically enough, because his teams stick to respectful ground rules while they disagree, Beck estimates that they’re able to come to a consensus about 99% of the time. “If it’s done right, there’s usually no need for a leader to have to make a decision–it’s become obvious to everyone.”

And from there, Beck says, his job is actually pretty easy: “I might just say, ‘Let me summarize what I think we are all saying’.”

This article is adapted from The Best Team Wins: The New Science of High Performance by Adrian Gostick and Chester Elton. Copyright © 2018 by Gostick & Elton, IP, LLC. Reprinted by permission of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

FastCompany.com | March 5, 2018 | BY ADRIAN GOSTICK AND CHESTER ELTON 4 MINUTE READ

#Life : The 25 Biggest Regrets In Life. What Are Yours?…….The Big Question Is, are You Going to #Change Anything this Afternoon or Tomorrow in Light of this List? Or are You Going to Go Back to your Busy Life?

March 2, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

We are all busy. Life happens. There’s always something to distract us from getting around to certain things we know we should do.

Soccer practice. Work. Home renovations. Getting that next big promotion.

And with the explosion of always-on smartphones and tablets delivering a fire hose of urgent emails, not to mention Twitter and Facebook (FB), in recent years, things have only gotten busier.

In the backs of our minds, we know we’re neglecting some stuff we should do. But we never get around to it.

Then, something happens. A good friend or loved one – maybe close to us in age – drops dead unexpectedly. We begin to think about what our biggest regrets would be if we were suddenly sitting on our death bed.

Here is a list of the 25 biggest ones we’ll probably have.

The question is, are you going to change anything this afternoon or tomorrow in light of this list? Or are you going to go back to your busy life?

1. Working so much at the expense of family and friendships. How do you balance meeting that short-term deadline at work and sitting down for dinner with your family? It’s tough. There are always worries. “What will my boss and co-workers think? It’s not a big deal if I stay late this one time. I’ll make it up with the family this weekend.” But the “making up” never seems to happen. Days turn to months and then years and then decades.

2. Standing up to bullies in school and in life. Believe it or not, a lot of our biggest regrets in life have to do with things that happened to us in grade 4 or some other early age. We never seem to forget – or forgive ourselves – for not speaking up against the bullies. We were too scared. We wish we had been more confident. And by the way most of us have also met up with a bully in our work life. Maybe he was our boss. We remember that one time we wish we’d told him off – even if it cost us our job. We usually take some small solace in hearing that that bully later on made some unfortunate career stumble.

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3. Stayed in touch with some good friends from my childhood and youth. There’s usually one childhood or high school friend who we were best buddies with. Then, one of us moved away. We might have stayed in touch at first but then got busy. Sometimes, we thought to pick up the phone, but maybe we don’t have their number or email any more. We always wonder what it would be like to sit down with them again for a coffee.

4. Turned off my phone more/Left my phone at home. Many of us can’t get off our phone/email addiction. We sleep with it next to us. We carry it with us constantly. It’s right next to us in the shower, just in case we see a new email icon light up through the steamed up shower glass. We know constantly checking email and Twitter in the evenings and on weekends takes us away from quality time with family and friends. Yet, we don’t stop.

5. Breaking up with my true love/Getting dumped by them. Romance is a big area of regret for most of us. Maybe we dumped someone that we wish we hadn’t. Maybe they dumped us. Most play a never-ending game of “what might have been” for the rest of their lives. It is tough to simply be happy with the love that you’ve found and takes away from the special moments you have today, if you’re constantly thinking back to what you once had — which actually might not have been half as good as we think it was.

6. Worrying about what others thought about me so much. Most of us place way too much importance on what other people around us think about us. How will they judge us? In the moment, we think their opinions are crucial to our future success and happiness. On our death beds, none of that matters.

7. Not having enough confidence in myself. Related to the previous point, a big regret for most of us is questioning why we had such little confidence in ourselves. Why did we allow the concerns of others to weigh so heavy on us instead of trusting our own beliefs? Maybe we didn’t think we were worth having what we wanted. Maybe we just thought poorly of ourselves. Later on, we wish we could have been more self-confident.

8. Living the life that my parents wanted me to live instead of the one I wanted to. Related to that lack of confidence, a lot of us get sucked into living the life that we think a good son or daughter should live. Whether because we’re explicitly told or just because we unconsciously adopt it, we make key life choices – about where to go to school, what to study, and where to work — because we think it’s what will make our parents happy. Our happiness is derived through their happiness – or so we think. It’s only later – 1o or 20 years on – where we discover that friends around us are dying and we’re not really doing what we want to do. A panic can start to set in. Whose life am I living any way?

9. Applying for that “dream job” I always wanted. Maybe we didn’t apply for that job we always wanted to because of a child, or because our spouse didn’t want to move cities. It might not have been the perfect job for us, but we always regret not trying out for it. Do you think Katie Couric regrets giving the nightly news gig a shot? No way. Sometimes you swing and you miss, but you have no regrets later on.

If you have some regrets you’d like to share, please leave them below in the comments for all to read. I’ll call them all out.

10. Been happier more. Not taken life so seriously. Seems strange to say, but most of us don’t know how to have fun. We’re way too serious. We don’t find the humor in life. We don’t joke around. We don’t think we’re funny. So, we go through life very serious. We miss out on half (or maybe all) the fun in life that way. Do something a little silly today. Crack a joke with the bus driver – even if he ends up looking at you weird. Do a little dance. You’ll probably smile, on the inside if not the outside. Now keep doing that, day after day.

11. Gone on more trips with the family/friends. Most folks stay close to home. They don’t travel all that much. Yet, big trips with friends and family – to Disney World, to Paris, or even to the lake – are the stuff that memories are made of later in life. We’re all thrown in to some new unfamiliar situation together. We’ve got to figure it out as a group – and it’s fun, even when it rains. We really remember trips.

12. Letting my marriage break down. Back to romance now. More people will divorce than stay together. If you ask these folks, they’ll tell you that it was for the best. They couldn’t take it any more. And, of course, there are some marriages that shouldn’t go on and where divorce is the best for all parties involved. However, if you talk to many people privately, they’ll tell you they regret their marriage breaking up. It’s never just one thing that ends a marriage – even if that one thing is infidelity. There are usually lots of signs and problems leading up to that. The regrets most of us have is that we didn’t correct some or most of those “little things” along the way. We can’t control our spouse but we can control our actions and we know – deep down – we could have done more.

13. Taught my kids to do stuff more. Kids love their parents, but they love doing stuff with their parents even more. And it doesn’t have to be a vacation at the Four Seasons. It could be raking leaves, learning how to throw a football, or cleaning up a play room together. We learned all the little habits that we take for granted in our own behavior from mimicking our parents. If we’re not making the time to do stuff with our kids, we’re robbing them of the chance to mimic us.

14. Burying the hatchet with a family member or old friend. I know family members that haven’t talked to a brother or sister for 30 years. One’s in bad health and will probably die soon. But neither he nor the other brother will make an effort. They’ve both written each other off. And there’s blame on both sides – although I take one’s side more. But these were two guys that were inseparable as kids. They got washed in a bucket in their parents’ kitchen sink together. Now, neither one will make a move to improve things because they think they’ve tried and the other one is too stubborn. They think they’ve done all they can and washed their hands of the relationship. They’ll regret that when one of them is no longer around.

15. Trusting that voice in the back of my head more. Whether it’s as simple as taking a job we weren’t really thrilled about or as complex of being the victim of some crime, most of us have had the experience of a little voice in the back of our heads warning us that something was wrong here. A lot of times, we override that voice. We think that we know best. We do a matrix before taking that job and figure out a way to prove to ourselves that, analytically, this makes sense. Most of the time, we learn later that voice was dead right.

16. Not asking that girl/boy out. Nerves get the best of us – especially when we’re young. We can forgive ourselves that we didn’t screw up enough courage to ask that boy or girl out on a date or to the prom. But that doesn’t mean that we still won’t think about it decades later. Sometimes people regret seeing someone famous or well-known in real life and not going up to them and telling them how much they inspired them in our lives. It’s the same underlying fear. We always we could have just said what we really felt at that moment.

17. Getting involved with the wrong group of friends when I was younger. We do dumb stuff when we’re young. We’re impressionable. We make friends with the wrong crowd, except we don’t think there’s anything wrong with them. They’re our friends and maybe the only people we think that truly understand us. However, we can really get sidetracked by hooking up with this group. Sometimes it leads to drugs or serious crimes. We never start out thinking our choice of friends could lead us to such a difficult outcome.

18. Not getting that degree (high school or college). I’ve spoken with lots of folks who didn’t graduate with a high school or college degree. When I met them, they were already well-known at their job. And there are many examples I can think of where their jobs were very senior and they were very well-respected. However, if the education topic ever came up in private conversation, almost universally, you could tell they regretted not getting their degree. It made them insecure, almost like they worried they were going to be “found out.” Most of these folks will never go back to get it now. Whether they do or not, they’re great at what they do and don’t need to feel bad about not having that piece of paper.

19. Choosing the practical job over the one I really wanted. I was watching CNBC the other day and one finance guy was being asked for advice on what college kids should major in today. He said: “It sounds corny but they’ve got to do what they love.” He’s right. Of course, as a country, we need more engineers, scientists, and other “hard” science folks. But, at the end of the day, you’ve got to live your life, not the government’s. There are many who think they need to take a “consulting job” to build up their experience before settling in to a job they love. Although there are many roads that lead to Rome, you’re probably better off just starting immediately in the area that you love.

20. Spending more time with the kids. I had an old mentor who used to tell me, “when it comes to parenting, it’s not quality of time that’s important, it’s quantity of time.” When we get so busy at work, we comfort ourselves knowing that we’re going to stay late at the office again with the idea that we’ll make it up by taking our son to a ballgame on the weekend. As long as I spend some quality time with him, we think, it will all balance out. It probably won’t. There are lots of busy executives who take control of their schedules in order to either be at home for dinners more or be at those special school events with the kids. Kids do remember that.

21. Not taking care of my health when I had the chance. Everyone doesn’t think of their health – until there’s a problem. And at that point, we promise ourselves if we get better we’ll do a better job with our health. It shouldn’t take a major calamity to get us to prioritize our health and diet. Small habits every day make a big difference here over time.

22. Not having the courage to get up and talk at a funeral or important event. I remember at an old Dale Carnegie class I attended, they told us more people were afraid of public speaking than dying. They’d rather die than give a speech apparently. Yet, when you’re close to death, you’re probably going to wish you’d gotten over those fears on at least a few occasions, but especially at a loved one’s funeral or some important event like a wedding.

23. Not visiting a dying friend before he died. I had a buddy I went to high school with who died 3 years ago. He was in his late 30s with a great wife and 3 great boys. He had cancer for the last 3 years of his life. We’d talked off and on over that time. Two months before he died, he called me and asked if I could come by to visit. I was in the process of moving and too busy with my own family. I said I’d come soon. A month later, it was clear he had days to live. I rushed to the hospital and did get to visit at his bedside before he passed, but he was a different guy from the one I’d spoken to only a month earlier on the phone. He was just hanging on. We hadn’t been best friends and we hadn’t seen much of each other since high school, but I know I’ll always regret not going to visit him earlier when I’d had the chance. What I’d give to have one last regular chat with him.

24. Learning another language. A lot of us travel a lot. Fewer still have studied a second language. And this is a big regret down the road for many of us, even though it might seem like a small thing next to family, career, and romance. A lot of us wish we’d made the time to learn a new language to open up a whole new culture to us.

25. Being a better father or mother. There’s no bigger legacy than our children. Often, they turn out great. When our kids struggle though, there’s nothing bigger than makes us feel guilty. Yet, when they start showing signs of problems – with school, or friends, or otherwise — there’s often been many years that have passed in which we could have and probably should have been spending more time with them. No situation is ever lost though. There is always time to improve our relationships with our kids. But, it can’t wait another day, especially if it’s a relationship that’s been neglected for years.

We can all relate to most of these regrets. We can’t change the past, so this list isn’t meant for you to start a pity party.

The question is what are we going to do with the rest of our lives to ensure we don’t experience any of these regrets later on when we’re in the hospital preparing to say goodbye.

If you have some regrets you’d like to share, please leave them below in the comments for all to read. I’ll call them all out.

Forbes.com | October 12, 2012 | Eric Jackson , CONTRIBUTOR

#Leadership : The Hidden Status Battles That Can Roil the Office…When #Bosses Offer Promotions & other #Rewards, They may Not Realize the #Conflicts they’re Unleashing on #Teams .

February 21, 2018/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

Every day, managers bestow perks they believe are positives—publicly giving awards and recognition, giving someone a desk with a window, increasing employees’ responsibilities, and so forth.

What managers don’t realize is the damage these acts do.

Sure, they may notice changes at the office. Maybe one employee suddenly begins to dominate the conversation at meetings, or people are interrupting each other more often, forming cliques or ignoring someone’s comments. It would never dawn on them, though, that their beneficent acts precipitated the changes.

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But that is exactly what has happened: Research reveals that the kindnesses to individual employees often unsettle the existing status order and lead to conflicts as the group tries to sort it out.

The answer, obviously, isn’t that managers should stop rewarding employees. But it’s crucial that managers recognize when they’re upsetting what might be called the status status quo, and be able to minimize the damage their acts can cause.

Few managers, of course, think about any of this when making decisions. That’s partly because the actual status hierarchy in the workplace often doesn’t follow the formal hierarchy of the organization. Status is socially conferred and is typically an unspoken consensual agreement over the relative amount of respect, esteem and regard employees have for one another. Upsetting that agreement often affects the relative standing of everyone in the group. As in a game of Jenga, moving one piece can topple the entire tower.

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More Damages

Such status conflict is more detrimental to group performance than other forms of conflict. A study by professors Corinne Bendersky and Nicholas Hays of the University California, Los Angeles, and Michigan State University followed 374 M.B.A. and executive M.B.A. students who were collaborating in 68 teams as part of their training.

They tracked interactions and noted when different forms of conflict—conflict over tasks, work processes, interpersonal struggles and status—emerged. Status conflict took many forms, including team members invoking their educational pedigree, devaluing another person’s contributions to the team, and accentuating their own contribution. When the researchers looked at which teams performed the worst on a series of tasks it was the teams that most frequently had struggles over status.

I first encountered status conflict when I was studying an effort by a large health-care organization to improve patient care. The effort increased the status and responsibility of nurses, though it didn’t formally change the nurse’s role. The nurse was still a nurse.

As part of the rollout, hundreds of nurses, doctors and medical assistants wore sensors, allowing me and Ingrid Nembhard, an associate professor at Wharton, to track the frequency and duration of interactions within teams, as well as the team’s conversational characteristics on a second-by-second basis.

What we found surprised us. Rather than translating into higher performance for the health-care teams, the change in the nurses’ status created discord within the teams. Everyone on the team started interrupting each other more frequently. The wearable sensors showed that they stopped listening to one another. Nurses and physicians simply stopped talking to one another. And yet none of the teams recognized the cause of the increased strife.

With the evidence from the wearable sensors, the organization successfully relaunched the program with additional interventions to improve nurses’ relationships with the care team and support their leadership role.

If teams don’t know they are engaged in a conflict over status, how can managers identify and avoid status conflict? Managers, after all, want to reward employees who are doing well, or may want to give certain people—such as in the nurses’ example—more responsibilities in an effort to improve performance.

The key is to do it in a way that achieves the desired result, without setting off a status-battle backlash.

For one thing, managers need to look for subtle signs that people on teams may be struggling to figure out their status ordering. Increases in nonverbal aggression, such as frequent interruption, individuals dominating conversations, interpersonal antagonism and disengagement, can be telltale clues. Managers may also notice cliques forming as people who feel like they’ve been slighted attempt to increase their sense of self by creating coalitions.

So what can a manager who notices this do? Generally, there are two approaches to conflict: either trying to reduce differences between team members or trying to increase tolerance of differences. The first approach works with many types of interpersonal conflicts. But not with status battles. With those, trying to resolve it by reducing differences, giving everyone equal voice or negotiating is likely to backfire and lead to even more conflicts over who does what job.

A much better approach is to try to get teams to recognize the necessity of status differences and increase their tolerance of them by creating transparency in how rewards are allocated and affirming the value that other team members bring to the team by frequently recalling past successes or highlighting what they bring to the team.

But the most important thing managers can do is to head off status conflicts in the first place. In cases where a manager wants to recognize one individual from a longstanding team, for instance, managers should get buy-in from the group and rely on peer-to-peer recognition systems, which allow all members of the team to recognize their colleagues for their contributions.

Even if the boss promoted someone who didn’t receive such accolades from his or her peers, the simple acknowledgment of the worker’s contributions would go a long way toward damping the status conflict. Much of the time people simply want to be recognized and employees want to be heard.

Perils of personality

When considering who to move to the corner office or to receive a public award, managers also should be careful not to rely on personality as a proxy for proficiency. Often, extroverts are prematurely given elevated status since their gregariousness and social fluidity are associated with competence. Research by Prof. Cameron Anderson and his colleagues at the University of California, Berkeley, found that over time, extroverts tend to lose status since there is a disconnect between expectations and performance.

In contrast, people who seem anxious and withdrawn tend to increase in status as their unrealized talents become apparent. A misallocation early on based on personality, rather than performance, makes it more likely that teams will have to grapple with status conflict later when the disconnect between performance expectations and status becomes clear.

Greater gender diversity on teams can also help. A recent study led by Hun Whee Lee of Michigan State University found that teams embroiled in status conflict are less creative because team members do not feel safe to speak up or share new ideas. However, the researchers found that gender diversity substantially reduced the size of this effect by increasing psychological safety in teams. When teams appear stuck in status conflict, managers may want to consider balancing teams with an uneven gender composition.

It should be said that disputes over respect and standing in the group aren’t always a bad thing. In newly formed teams, status conflict actually improves team performance by helping members clarify the hierarchy.

Conversely, status conflict is most detrimental in teams of people who have a high level of familiarity with each other. In the case of the nurses we studied, bringing in someone from the outside and providing him or her with a differentiated formal title would have been less likely to disrupt the current status ordering within the well-established team.

Finally, beware of too much of a good thing. Given the opportunity, most managers would be thrilled to have the chance to create a dream team full of high-status stars. But research by Boris Groysberg and Jeffery Polzer of Harvard Business School along with Hillary Anger Elfenbein at Washington University found that having too many high-status members on a team can lead to decreased performance because of status conflict, as the team members become absorbed in sorting out who has the highest status.

Dr. King is a professor at the Yale School of Management. Email reports@wsj.com.

Appeared in the February 20, 2018, print edition.

WSJ.com | By Marissa King | Feb. 19, 2018 10:11 p.m. ET

#Leadership : Managing Conflict Is Essential to Success…A Functional Workplace of Diverse People and Ideas is Fertile Ground for Creativity — and for Conflict. Here’s How to Be a Good Referee.

October 18, 2016/in First Sun Blog/by First Sun Team

You gotta give a little. De-escalation relies on both parties being able to see another person’s point of view. They must be willing to give a little bit. By becoming able to compromise, they free themselves and each other to work toward the win/win.

Those of you who have read my articles before can probably envision me embroiled in numerous conflicts. To keep from being killed or killing someone, I have acquired fairly effective survival skills. I’m not a pacifist; in fact, people who say “fighting never solves anything” make me think they have been on the losing end of every fight they’ve been in. Or, it makes me think they have probably spent their lives running from fights.

In my experience, fighting solves a lot, but let me be clear here, when I say “fighting,” I am not talking about slapping around Kenny in accounting because he shorted you $2.36! When I say fighting, I am talking about conflict. Conflict is neither good nor bad; it can be handled functionally or dysfunctionally.

You can’t say that!

We’re not on the playground anymore, and in a post-Columbine, post-going postal world, even joking about workplace violence can be a serious offense. I have worked at several companies that had incidents of workplace violence that ended in death; so I don’t want anyone thinking that I am making light of the very real threat of workplace violence. But there is a right way and a wrong way of addressing it, and in my opinion, the best way to avoid workplace violence, even mere workplace unpleasantness, is by de-escalating dysfunctional conflict before it becomes a problem.

De-escalation of conflict isn’t the same as conflict avoidance. De-escalation of conflict is the act of removing heightened emotion the antagonists are feeling about their disagreement. Disagreement is healthy in an organization; moreover, squelching it leads to dysfunction, from simmering frustration to malicious obedience. Malicious obedience is one of those terms I learned when I was working for a man I still affectionately refer to as “the Devil.”

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You told me to!

Tired of having him second guess my every decision and then ordering me to do something that I knew would be a disaster, I would do exactly what he told me to, knowing full well that it would create chaos. Doing so made him incredibly angry and frustrated because I had in fact done exactly what he told me to do. I fully admit to doing in those days what I expect now of a benighted employee, escalating our dysfunctional dynamic.

I would sit smugly in his office watching the veins in his temples bulge and throb, in hopes of seeing one burst, while he frothed at the mouth and sputtered his disappointment with my performance. I can see now I could have (should have?) handled things better. Mea culpa. But when dealing with a dysfunctional environment, it is hard to behave like an adult. Or, maybe I’m making excuses, but I know better now.

You talking to me?

It may seem silly, but de-escalation of conflict begins with the language we use. I used to work for an organization where so much as joking about violence was an offense for which one could be fired. For my money, the organization took extreme and ridiculous efforts to avoid any implication of aggression. There was an Alice Down the Rabbit Hole absurdity to its efforts.

We couldn’t use the term bullet point because bullet, it was believed, denotes violence. No, actually. In this case, the term bullet is derived from the word bulletin (a bulletin being a series of bullets), a usage that predates the invention of the gun. We had to call them dot lists. Predictably, this devolved into a bizarre workplace lexicon that would have made Aldous Huxley proud. We could say positive, butnegatives became deltas. Ironically, we could say head shot; something I never understood because it seemed not only violent but graphically violent.

You can’t say that, either!

The thing is, mincing words and weaseling around the point is not really helpful when trying to de-escalate conflict. Quite the opposite, I find it tends to infuriate an already aggravated and aggressive dynamic between the parties. Clarity, understanding and resolution become impossible. And business people want clarity, and seek it intuitively. They coin graphic terms like “one throat to choke” (look it up) to express a common business concept, even as it may create the subtle impression that workplace violence is acceptable — or perhaps only upon outside vendors.

So these things don’t work, what does? I found a simple formula work of the de-escalation:

1. Begin by a acknowledging each other’s frustration.

Conflict tends to build-up and as it builds so does frustration. The primate inside us wants to either fight or flee; neither are options that de-escalate the conflict. Vocalizing the knowledge that both parties are frustrated and potentially angry allows them to stop focusing on communicating how they feel and to start focusing on what they can do to move forward.

2. Assume goodness of intention.

When we assume that the other party is perfidious, escalation results. When I think they have the best intentions we can discuss our positions dispassionately and assertively. I admit it can be very difficult to give someone the benefit of the doubt, especially if they have screwed us over the past, but you really have to get beyond that if you’re going to achieve any mastery of conflict de-escalation.

3. Make sure all parties have expressed how they feel.

This may sound soft-headed, but it’s really important. Unless we talk about the emotions we’re feeling, they will always get in the way of trying to solve a problem. Maybe you have experienced, as I have, an exchange where the other person keeps deflecting or trying to change the subject, to rationalize their own dysfunctional behavior. As goofy as it may sound, too many people get so wrapped up in winning that they cannot see a compromise is anything but a defeat.

4. Apologize.

An apology can go a long way in mending a relationship, even when you’re too pig-headed to admit you’re wrong. You may actually feel as if you have done nothing wrong, and maybe you haven’t, but the fact remains that your actions created the perception of an attack or insult, and I think we can all agree that we want to prevent kind of this perception.

5. Fess up when you mess up.

Sometimes our egos prevent us from doing what’s right — in this case, admitting when we screwed up. Something this simple can greatly reduce the heightened emotional state.

You gotta give a little. De-escalation relies on both parties being able to see another person’s point of view. They must be willing to give a little bit. By becoming able to compromise, they free themselves and each other to work toward the win/win.

Entrepreneur.com | October 18, 2016 | Phil La Duke