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#YourCareer : Avoiding A Hard Conversation? How To Have That Brave Conversation You’ve Been Putting Off. A MUst REad for All!

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As the Covid-19 pandemic has forced us to connect from behind our screens, it’s also made it all the more convenient to avoid tough conversations. You know the ones… where emotions can run high and sensitivities deep.  Too awkard. Too risky. Too difficult. 

Alas, the most important conversations are often the least comfortable. Easier to simply smile politely and put it off until we’re all back in the office. Whenever that is.

Yet our conversations form the life blood of our relationships, forming the currency of influence in any team or organization.  Engaging in conversations about sensitive issues require self-awareness, emotional intelligence and a solid dose of courage. Mustering up that courage takes getting real about the price we pay when we don’t. On our stress levels, our relationships, our influence and our ability to achieve what we want and change what we don’t.

If you’re in a leadership role, this is amplified further. After all, ‘people are the project.’ If you’re not managing the people issues, you’re destined to fall short on every other outcome.

In short, sticking to only the ‘safe conversations’ can exact a steep hidden tax on individual wellbeing, team productivity and bottom line performance. Research by VitalSmarts found a strong correlation between the span of time it took for a problem being identified and it being raised with team performance. Before Covid-19 this averaged two weeks. Right now, it’s likely considerably longer.

So if there’s a conversation you’ve been putting off, here’s a few ideas to help you address whatever issue’s been on your mind (and likely others too!).

-1- Clarify your highest intention 

It’s easy to communicate from a reactive, defensive, frustrated or fearful place. Many do. Doing so gives a temporary sense sense of gratification. Bam, got em! But it rarely lands a positive outcome.

So before entering into potentially sensitive conversation, get clear on your positive intent. What positive intention are you trying to serve? For you, for them, for your relationship? So be honest about where your ego might be driving you to prove you’re right or make another wrong and connect from the highest part of you, not the lowest.

 

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-2- Check your story

You don’t see problems as they are, but as you are…filtered through your lens, your fears and your experiences, past and present. Often the story we creat about a problem (or ‘problem person’) is the root of the problem, roadblocking our ability to resolve it and chart a better path forward. So think about where you’ve caste someone as a villain, yourself as a victim or applied labels (it’s pointless, they’re a lost cause, I’m hopeless at… ) that limit new possibilities.

-3- Listen beyond spoken concerns

Even when we can see someone on the other side of the screen, technology has a way of disconnecting us from the human element of our interactions. Connecting with the humanity of the person behind the image on your screen will lead to a far better outcome than simply going through your check list.

Before you unload what’s on your mind, step into their shoes and genuinely try to see as they see and feel as they feel. What’s the deeper, unspoken concerns that might be at play here? The very act of genuinely seeking to understand makes a huge deposit into the relational ‘trust account’.

So ask them how they see and feel about the issue. Then…

Listen.

As you do, resist the temptation to fill any awkward silences. It’s in the pauses between thoughts that the real issues often rise to the surface. Listening is the singular more powerful and under-used communication skill.

-4- Keep it real

If you feel awkward about a conversation, just say so. You’re human. This is vulnerable territory. Own that. If it’s why you’ve put off having this conversation, share that too. This pandemic has been challenging for most of us. Be humble and take full responsibility for your part in this issue including not having raised the issue sooner. Then share why you feel it’s important to do so now (see point #1).

-5- Be truthful, but in a way that elevates, not denigrates

Behavioral scientist Dr. William Schutz once said that “If people in business told the truth, 80 to 90% of their problems would disappear.”  People can intuitively tell when you are being sincere. They can also tell when you’re not.

Be mindful to distinguish the problem (behavior or issue) from the person themselves. Just because someone did something stupid doesn’t make them stupid. Give them space to be otherwise.

Invite their input in how to address the issue, and use language that convey’s your belief in their ability to respond well. Talking down to people will never lift them higher but reinforce the very beliefs that are driving the behavior.

The above said, don’t sugarcoat the truth in disingenuous flattery. That doesn’t build trust, it undermines it. People often respond defensively to implied criticism.

-6- Consider time and place

If you’re working across global time zones, make sure you have the call at a time of day that is thoughtful for the other person. Don’t leave a tough conversation for 5pm Friday and be sure you allow enough time for a meaningful exchange. Likewise, if you’re prone to speaking too much or belaboring points, write down your key points ahead of time.

As for place, well… you may not have much choice but to connect from your home workspace right now. However if you can get outside and go for a walk, changing your physical space can be a powerful way to shift the emotional space of a conversation. Consider both of you going for a walk and talk… even in different places. Just ensure you can stay focused on it.

-7- Set and keep the right emotional tone

Emotions are contagious. The more sensitive an issue, the more rapidly emotions can escalate and highjack rational dialogue. Rehearse the conversation ahead of time, thinking ahead about how you want to respond should they have an emotional highjack. If they get furious, get curious, and avoid getting pulled into a downward spiral of stone-throwing. If things get over-heated, call time out.

-8- Separate fact from opinion

Before you launch into your opinion of a situation, be sure to clearly state the facts as you see them. It’s possible you may have incomplete information.So use language that leaves open the possibility of another interpretation of the situation. E.g. I appreciate I may be missing something, but it appears that …

Who knows, maybe they have some important piece of information you’re unaware of that will make all the difference. Facts first. When you present your opinion as though it’s the truth, you’re guaranteed to get people off-side.

-9- Make clear requests and commitments

A client recently told me how frustrated she is with a colleague. I asked her if she’d been specific about what she wanted this person to do. ‘No, they should just know,’ she replied. And therein lay the problem. They did not know! So never assume people just know what you want or don’t want. Make clear requests,  with specific, unambiguous and measurable expectations – for them and yourself. Only then can you ever effectively manage any accountability.

-10- Focus forward with a soft front, strong back

 It’s easy to descend into pettiness and stone throwing about what woulda-coulda-shoulda happened. To what end?  This doesn’t negate the need for managing accountability. Rather, stay focused on what needs to change and don’t lose sight of the end game.  Most of all, never let someone else’s poor behavior be an excuse for your own.

The quality of your relationships is determined by the quality of the conversations you have in them… in your home, in your office and in virtual teams operating across global time zones.

Don’t let the inability to meet in person stop you having important conversations. And don’t let the screens that separate you be an excuse not to speak to that person as you would if they were right in front of you.

Most of all, don’t let your fear of what could go wrong keep you from speaking up to make things more right.

If there’s something you genuinely want to say, chances are someone genuinely needs to hear it. Adopt the Buddhist principle of “soft front, strong back” and stand firmly in your truth… with courage, candor and kindness. bGo bravely.

Author: Margie Warrell is a speaker on leading with courage and creator of the Courageous Conversations Masterclass.

 

Forbes.com – January 31, 2012

#Life – Should You Keep a Secret? …A Friend Confides in you About a Health Crisis or a Love Affair. How Do you Decide Whether to Keep Someone’s Secret When There are Good Reasons to Tell?

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A while back, my sister, Rebecca, called with a request: She wanted me to book a flight to come and see her immediately—and not tell anyone.

Rebecca explained that she was having a breast biopsy the next day, was terrified to hear the results, and wanted me there for support. But she didn’t want to worry others in our family.

I jumped on a plane but wrestled with a dilemma. Many members of my family are doctors. Rebecca herself is an internist. Our father is an orthopedic surgeon and another sister is a gynecologist. I knew they would have advice for Rebecca—and would want to know if she were sick. But my sister asked me not to share what she told me. And I didn’t.

How do you decide whether to keep someone’s secret when there are good reasons to tell?

Imagine you discover that a friend is having an affair, and you know that person’s spouse well. A family member has begun secretly drinking heavily and needs help. Or a loved one who has died led a double life. You might want to disclose someone’s secret if it will help him or her in the long run. Or if someone else is being hurt or has a right to know the information.

Three new studies from psychologists at Columbia University and the University of Melbourne, in Australia, soon to be published together in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, show that we often feel closer to a loved one when we know a secret of theirs, but that this information can also be a burden.

The studies show that the closer a person is to a friend or loved one whose secret they know, the more he or she is likely to think about the secret. And the more friends the two people have in common, the more likely one person is to keep another’s secret. But people who said they knew another person’s secret—not even that they worried about keeping it—also reported less happiness and satisfaction with life. “Just having to think about someone else’s secret makes it harmful to our wellbeing,” says Michael Slepian, an assistant professor at Columbia Business School and lead researcher on the studies.

In research published in 2015 in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, Dr. Slepian found that people who are thinking about a secret judge tasks to be harder. They estimated hills to be steeper and distances to be farther than people who didn’t have secrets they were thinking about.

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Once we know someone’s secret, we have a responsibility to protect that information. “Essentially, you become a co-owner of the information,” says Sandra G. Petronio, a communication professor and director of the Communication Privacy Management Center at Indiana University—Purdue University Indianapolis, a resource for academics and others who study privacy. I read it on https://reneelertzman.com/anxiety/valium-10-mg/ so if you have serious side effects from Valium, call your doctor immediately. Call 911 if your symptoms appear to be life-threatening or if you believe you have a medical emergency. Serious side effects and their symptoms may include the following: worse seizures, changes in the brain or your thoughts, unexpected reactions, liver problems.

Dr. Petronio developed the Communication Privacy Management Theory, which holds that individuals have a right to privacy and put rules, or boundaries, in place to manage and protect it. But we all define privacy differently. Our boundaries may be different for different people in our lives, and they may change over time. So we may tell our best friend something we would never tell a sibling. And we’ve all probably told our parents something as adults that we kept hidden from them when we were teenagers.

‘There are good reasons for sometimes disclosing someone’s information. But you have to make a calculation.’

These clashing expectations of what should be private—essentially, a secret—are what get us into trouble. When we disagree with someone about whether to keep something a secret, we experience “privacy turbulence,” Dr. Petronio says. “There are good reasons for sometimes disclosing someone’s information. But you have to make a calculation.”

When Rebecca asked me not to tell anyone about her biopsy, she explained that she didn’t want to feel pressured by a lot of unsolicited advice. “I don’t want anyone lecturing me,” she said. “I have a very good surgeon and I trust her.”

But I also knew my sister needed me and that if I betrayed her confidence I wasn’t likely to win it back easily. So I went to visit her without telling anyone.

Two days later, while I was sitting in Rebecca’s living room, I got a call from my mother. My sister, overwhelmed with worry, had told her about the biopsy she’d asked me to keep secret, and my mom was angry with me for preventing the rest of the family from supporting Rebecca. Then my other sister, the gynecologist, called, hurt that I didn’t seem to value her expertise. Too late, I realized that in keeping Rebecca’s secret, I might have betrayed others. It took me almost a week to get back into everyone’s good graces. By then, we’d learned that the biopsy, thankfully, was negative.

Now, my family has forgotten this incident. But Rebecca hasn’t. When I brought it up recently she was adamant that I had done the right thing.

“If you’d told people what I asked you not to, I wouldn’t have been able to trust you again,” she says.

TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL

You’ve learned a secret about a loved one that you think someone else has the right to know. How do you decide whether to tell?

  • Seek permission, especially if you learned the information by accident or by snooping. Explain why you feel it’s important to tell someone. Try to understand the person’s reasons for wanting to keep the information private. Ask him if he would consider telling.
  • Recognize that family members often feel they have a right to know, especially when a secret involves them or a health issue. Discuss this with your loved one. Talking through the “what ifs” of disclosing a secret—and promising to run interference—can help, says Sandra G. Petronio, founder of the Communication Privacy Management Center at Indiana University—Purdue University Indianapolis.
  • Ask a third person for advice. Talking with someone who isn’t directly affected by the secret can help you think clearly about the situation. If no one is being hurt by the secret staying private, you don’t need to tell.
  • Remind yourself that you are helping your loved one if you choose to stay quiet. This will ease the burden of knowing the secret, says Michael Slepian, an assistant professor at Columbia Business School.
  • Consider the costs and gains to the people involved. If the benefits of sharing a secret outweigh the costs, you can think about telling, Dr. Slepian says. If you decide to tell other people, explain your decision to your loved one.

Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at elizabeth.bernstein@wsj.com or follow her on Facebook of Twitter at EBernsteinWSJ.

 

WSJ.com | By Elizabeth Bernstein | 

 

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#Leadership : Quality Advice on How to #Communicate During Stressful Times… Even on a Good Day, #Communicating Well is One of Life’s Toughest Daily Challenges, and It’s Especially Difficult to Do Under Pressure.

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Even on a good day, communicating well is one of life’s toughest daily challenges, and it’s especially difficult to do under pressure. Thankfully, by applying a few practical tips, you can significantly improve how you talk with friends, family, coworkers, and others.

Focus on Your Goal

For instance, facing more than one challenge at a time can be overwhelming. Instead of trying to tackle everything at once, focus on one or two important objectives per conversation. Successful exchanges will encourage others to approach you, and over time you will have increasingly productive dialogues. But it’s not only other topics that can be distracting. Anger, frustration and apathy can divert you from your main purpose if you let them.

QUIZ: What’s Your Communication Style?

Take a Deep Breath

You’ve probably heard this advice a dozen times, but it works. After studying a group of nerves in the brain, biochemistry professor Mark Krasnow concluded that breathing affects overall brain activity. He explained, “This liaison to the rest of the brain means that if we can slow breathing down, as we can do by deep breathing or slow controlled breaths, the idea would be that these neurons then don’t signal the arousal center, and don’t hyperactivate the brain. So you can calm your breathing and also calm your mind.”

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Laugh First and Hardest

Research indicates that laughter reduces the amounts of stress hormones in your body and increases levels of endorphins — chemicals that make you feel good. According to Stress Management with Intelligence, the effects of laughter are more than chemical: “Laughter connects people, and social support is good for stress relief.”

Talk to Someone (Else)

Yes, it sounds counterintuitive, but discussing your issues with an unbiased outsider is helpful for two reasons. First, venting your frustrations may relieve tension and allow you to talk more calmly the next time you confront the situation. Also, your listener may have some relevant advice.

However, choose your confidant with care. Avoid anyone with a reputation for gossip. If you can’t think of anyone in your immediate social circle, search for an online support group.

Set a Realistic Objective

If you or the person you are talking to is stressed, adjust your expectations. Stress isn’t always a bad thing. If you’re excited about something, your body releases adrenaline and chemicals that heighten senses and help the brain focus, according to HolisticOnline.com. However, the website says that the positive effects are short-lived: “As you spend more and more time under stress, your ability to concentrate lessens.” Therefore, if you’re on a tight deadline, it may boost you to accomplish more in one sitting. On the other hand, if you’re in an ongoing feud with a colleague, your discussion may end in a compromise.

Listen

Don’t be so focused on trying to get your point across that you forget to listen. It’s a life skill, according to SkillsYouNeed.com: “Listening is key to all effective communication. Without the ability to listen effectively, messages are easily misunderstood. As a result, communication breaks down and the sender of the message can easily become frustrated or irritated.” How can you show the speaker you are paying attention?

9 Tips to Listen Like a True Leader

Practice Positive Body Language

If your body is sending negative signals, you may be inadvertently sabotaging the conversation. Leaning away from someone or crossing your arms while they speak may convey that you’re not open to conversation.

You can change your posture with a few easy adjustments. For example, lean slightly towards the other participant. Let your arms hang by your sides or bring them together in your lap. Make brief eye contact throughout the interchange. These minor alterations send the message that you are actively listening, a factor which will make your conversational partner feel valued and more open to what you have to say.

Know When to Keep Silent

A stressful moment may not be the ideal time to bring up sensitive issues. You may decide to let a matter drop altogether or wait until a more opportune time. If the issue is unavoidable, take a few minutes to organize your thoughts in writing.

Listening, breathing and taking time to respond are just a few strategies to help you keep your cool. Even if you’re not facing a stressful situation now, keep these tips on hand to help you communicate in everyday life.

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#Leadership : How To Survive In An Open Office Without Hating Your Coworkers…Working without Walls is Bound to Cause some Problems & Annoyances. Here’s How to Diffuse Disagreements.

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Open floor plans and shared office space are supposed to  promote a sense of community and culture in your workplace, but they can also lead to tension and arguments. Many of us have encountered coworkers who don’t respect boundaries or listen to our requests. Instead of letting it fester or venting at the water cooler, hash out your differences, says Josselyne Herman-Saccio, communication expert for the training and development company Landmark.+

“Whenever people work together, upsets are inevitable,” she says. “When you understand where communication breaks down and how to heal disagreements as they happen, you create healthy relationships at work and protect productivity.”

PREVENT DISAGREEMENTS FROM HAPPENING

Whenever possible, prevent problems before they start, says Vicki Salemi, career expert for the career site Monster. “Remind yourself you’re in an open workspace, so your colleagues shouldn’t need to hear your personal phone calls, nor do they want a whiff of your reheated lunch, which may not smell pleasant,” she says.

Talk through potential pitfalls before they happen. “You can say something along the lines of, ‘I have an hourlong conference call twice a week with a challenging client. Would it bother you to hear me on the phone because usually it’s on speaker, so I can simultaneously work on a spreadsheet, or do you prefer that I hop into a conference room?’” says Salemi. “The more proactive and transparent you are, the more your colleagues are likely to appreciate working with you in a shared space, and they will also be more likely to initiate conversations on their end.”

Spending time to get to know coworkers can also go a long way, adds Crystal Barnett, senior human resource specialist for the HR solutions provider Insperity. “Some employees prefer quiet time at the start of their day to answer important emails or plan their day,” she says. “Taking their preferences into consideration and giving them some space in the morning may help create a mutually beneficial work environment.”

 

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IF THERE IS A DISAGREEMENT, ADDRESS IT
Unfortunately, disagreements are inevitable. “This is a normal occurrence that can be constructive if employees remain respectful and professional as they discuss opposing positions or opinions,” says Barnett. “Whenever possible, the affected employees should have a calm and friendly conversation to resolve their differences.”

Start by identifying why you’re upset. “What happened or didn’t happen?” asks Herman-Saccio. “Is it a mood or something specific and actionable?”

Once you’re clear, determine if you didn’t clearly communicate your expectations, and decide if you need to address it with someone else. Approach your colleague, walk through the situation, discuss what happened, and what could have been handled differently, suggests Salemi.

“Most importantly, talk about how to handle it going forward,” she says. “It’s important to always remain professional and try to see things from their perspective, and show them your perspective, as well. Whether or not they’re able to see from your point of view is out of your control.”

SKIP THE BLAME
When something goes wrong, avoid the temptation to assign blame. “Blame is there because we don’t want to be responsible,” says Herman-Saccio. “It’s easier to blame because you don’t have to do anything. Blame is a low-level, childlike function.”

Be responsible for your reaction and for communicating when your expectations are not met. Acknowledge any of your own actions that may have caused upset or disagreement, and ask how you can make things right, says Herman-Saccio.

“Try to use the word ‘you’ as little as possible,” she says.

DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY
Miscommunications also occur when you take things personally. “When you’re a kid, the world revolves around you,” says Herman-Saccio. “We never really grow out of it. If somebody takes five hours to respond to your email, for example, you might think they’re avoiding you when it probably has nothing to do with you.”

Instead, practice not taking things personally. “Rather than living in your personal view and assuming things, find out by asking,” says Herman-Saccio. “You never know what someone else is going through internally, and their bad mood or state of upset is up to them to communicate.”

Give them the opportunity to share their perspective by asking these two questions: Is there something you need to say? Is there something that didn’t go as you had planned that is upsetting you? This gets dialogue started.

DON’T LET FEELINGS FESTER
Communication has the potential of creating conflict, so we often keep to ourselves, but it’s vital that you don’t avoid talking about it, says Herman-Saccio. “In any relationship, avoiding communication is one of biggest routes of deterioration,” she says. “Resentment and frustration starts to color our view. But anything can be worked out in communication.”

Keep lines of communication open. Be upfront with others instead of keeping feelings in your head. “If you’re not getting the results you want, share your expectations so they’re out there,” says Herman-Saccio. “It’s better to be open now than upset later.”

 

 

FastCompany.com | May 4, 2018 | BY STEPHANIE VOZZA 4 MINUTE READ

#Leadership : How To Turn #Conflict Into A #Communication Tool…Many People Try to Avoid #Conflicts at #Work . But if you Know the Right Way to Lodge an Objection, It can Actually Smooth the Way for Better Communication.

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Last year, I was working with leaders who had recently joined an Israeli company. One of them said to me, “Anett, I used to work for a Midwestern company, and now I’m working for a company that yells and pounds the table in meetings–you can even hear it on the phone! What do I do?”

“Well, what happens after those meetings?” I asked. “They all go out for coffee!” she told me.

This is a texbook example of constructive conflict. Yes, it might have been emotionally charged and intense, but everyone respected each other enough to be friendly afterward. You might feel that it’s hard to see conflict as anything but a barrier to communication, but if you use it the right way, it can be an effective tool.

Here are some tips on how to do just that.

ATTACK THE IDEA, NOT THE PERSON

Intense conflicts can be civil. The key is not to let it get personal–which means making sure that you direct any criticism toward ideas, not people. Many of us know to avoid telling someone, “I don’t think you’ve done your research on this issue” or, “How could you possibly come to that conclusion?!” since these clearly sound like an attack on the person. But finding alternative phrasing isn’t always easy. When in doubt, delete any second-person (“your”/”your”) phrases from your vocabulary, and start with “I” phrase that zeroes in on the underlying concept. For example, “I struggle with that conclusion.” Now you can center the discussion around the conclusion itself–not the person who proposed it.

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Related:Want More Creative Employees? Create Some Conflict 

BE ESPECIALLY CAREFUL WITH YOUR TONE

Sometimes what you say doesn’t matter as much as how you say it. And when you’re sharing a critique, you have to be especially mindful of your tone. My client’s colleagues might have participated in loud conversations–but those discussions weren’t overly emotional, sarcastic, or condescending. Tone isn’t about the volume of your voice; you can still be calm and collected while verbally putting someone down. As Fast Company’s Lydia Dishman previously reported, passive-aggression comes in many forms. For example, you might start off by using logic to point out the flaws in your coworker’s point–but if you end by saying something like, “You don’t mind, do you?” your coworker might read your tone as patronizing.

Related: Here’s What Being Too Nice At Work Is Costing Your Company

DON’T FLOUT CULTURAL NORMS

Some companies are more comfortable with conflict than others, and every company will have its own “rules” about what’s acceptable and what’s not. Those rules might not be written anywhere, but if you look at how your organization has dealt with conflict in the past, you can usually get a sense of how its culture operates. Some workplaces are comfortable with constructive conflict as long as it stays behind closed doors, and employees and senior leadership show a united front in public. Others embrace displaying their conflict openly. So stay attuned to corporate culture as well as societal norms. As my client found, the way his Midwestern colleagues operated was pretty different than the approach his Israeli associates took. Neither was necessarily “better” or “worse” than the other, but in order to have productive disagreements, he needed to adapt to those teams’ respective cultures.

FOCUS ON MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS (EVEN IF IT MEANS BITING YOUR TONGUE)

Remember, just because you disagree with someone’s idea, you still need to show that you value their input. This might require extra effort on your part–like being selective about when to voice your criticism. If you argue too frequently, others may find it hard to believe you’re doing so in good faith. If, on the other hand, you share your disagreement a little more strategically, you’re more likely to strengthen your relationships–and improve the odds that your criticism will actually register, without hurting feelings.

Related: How I’ve Learned To Stop Arrogance From Silently Hurting My Career

CALCULATE THE OPPORTUNITY COST

On the other hand, if you’re on the fence about whether to raise an objection, consider the possible downsides to not engaging in constructive conflict. What potential consequences will staying silent bring? Depending on your company culture, you may be viewed as lacking conviction in your ideas if you seem afraid to stand up for them. In that case, not speaking up could actually backfire. Not to mention, if you don’t voice your disagreement early on, you might be setting yourself up for a bigger explosion later by keeping your thoughts bottled up.

Needless to say, no two situations will be the same. If you’re unsure of how direct you should be–start by listening and observing. You can learn a lot just by paying attention to people’s body language and how they respond. When it comes to constructive conflict, context is everything. But whatever you do, just don’t let it get personal.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Anett Grant is the CEO of Executive Speaking, Inc. and the author of the new e-book,CEO Speaking: The 6-Minute Guide. Since 1979, Executive Speaking has pioneered breakthrough approaches to helping leaders from all over the world–including leaders from 61 of the Fortune 100 companies–develop leadership presence, communicate complexity, and speak with precision and power.

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FastCompany.com| April 14, 2018 | Anett Grant

 

Your #Career : The Right and Wrong Way to Manage Up at the Office…Don’t Assume Good Work will Speak for Itself—the Burden is Usually on you to Find a Way to #Communicate with your #Boss .

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It’s an ability that can shape your career more than almost any other—but many employees don’t know how to do it.

Managing up, or building smooth, productive relationships with higher-ups, requires understanding and adapting to your boss’s communication and decision-making style. Many people are promoted because of the quality of their work. But as newly minted managers aim to rise in the ranks, assuming their work will speak for itself becomes increasingly hazardous to their careers.

Roberta Matuson felt unprepared after she rose to a senior human-resources job years ago. “I was tossed into the executive suite with little more than a prayer, wondering, ‘What the heck do you do?’ ” she says. She focused on doing her job well but failed to build relationships with her bosses, leaving her with few allies.

When the company went public, “I got taken out by a wave I didn’t see coming” while the rest of the management team kept their jobs, she says. “You have to toot your own horn in a sea of cubicles to be heard.” Ms. Matuson is now a Brookline, Mass., leadership coach and author of the management book “Suddenly in Charge.”

Employees are getting less help learning these skills as companies shift training dollars toward senior leaders at the expense of middle- and low-level employees. The proportion of employers spending more than $1,000 a person annually to train middle managers, supervisors and rank-and-file employees fell below one-third in the past two years, according to a 2017 survey of 237 employers by Brandon Hall Group. Meanwhile, employers spending that much on training senior leaders rose to 58% in 2017 from 55% in 2015, says David Wentworth, a principal learning analyst for the research and advisory firm.

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Some bosses readily explain to subordinates how and when they want to communicate. Others do better when offered multiple-choice questions, says Julie Kantor, a New York City executive coach. How often do you want updates: daily, weekly or only when I have something to report? Do you prefer phone, instant messaging, email or face-to-face?

If you must bring the boss a problem, offer at least one potential solution. And respect the boss’s time. Mario Gabriele served as chief of staff for And Co, a New York City provider of software for freelancers that was recently acquired by Fiverr, a freelance marketplace. Rather than running to his bosses whenever he had a question, he waited until he could say, “I have these 10 things that we can cross off in 10 minutes,” Mr. Gabriele says. His boss, Leif Abraham, says Mr. Gabriele’s approach enabled him to give more thoughtful answers, and served as a useful update on his work.

A common pitfall is taking a boss’s behavior personally as a sign that “this person is just trying to annoy me,” says Robert Tanner, a Lacey, Wash., leadership and business consultant. Many tensions have a less sinister explanation, based on differences in how people see things and make decisions, he says.

Short of giving your boss a personality test, it’s possible to understand a manager’s style by reading such books as “Please Understand Me,” a classic on personality types, and watching how your boss communicates and makes decisions, Mr. Tanner says. Is she quick to act, or more thoughtful and reflective? Does he focus on facts, or intuitive signals or insights?

One financial-services executive was at odds with his subordinates until he and they understood they had different decision-making styles, says Mr. Tanner, who coached both the executive and his team. The executive tended to make decisions intuitively and change his mind a lot. Employees who preferred a more fact-based approach concluded he was indecisive and cared only about himself. Understanding their conflicting styles helped employees stop taking the executive’s behavior personally and frame their complaints in a way that mattered to him—by explaining that he was hurting the department’s reputation.

Employees also need to understand the boss’s priorities, Dr. Kantor says. What seems like a small error to an employee might look like a systemic failure to a boss with a broader realm to manage, she says. This includes being mindful of how your performance affects your boss’s success.

Bill Sandbrook, chief executive officer of U.S. Concrete in Euless, Texas, says he once gave a manager a big promotion, knowing he’d need mentoring to handle the increased responsibility. Mr. Sandbrook had a stake in the manager’s success, and he was disappointed when the man refused to accept coaching or even answer questions. “The power had gone to his head” and he soon left the company, Mr. Sandbrook says. “The new manager can’t be too proud to show when he doesn’t know something, and he has to totally swallow his ego and listen.”

It pays to figure out what motivates your boss, Dr. Kantor says. Does he or she need to look important? Find ways to help her talk about her successes, Dr. Kantor says. Does he want to be in control? Give him lots of information about what you’re doing and offer choices about next steps so he can make the decision.

It also pays to learn the unwritten rules of your workplace: How are disagreements handled here? When is it OK to interrupt a meeting?

Laura Williams’s boss, Rick Miller, chief executive of Sensible Financial Planning, a Waltham, Mass., investment-advisory firm, sometimes gets tied up in meetings or calls and fails to show up on time for appointments she has scheduled with him. Ms. Williams, an associate financial adviser, knows it’s OK to knock on Mr. Miller’s door when he’s more than five minutes late. She also knows the exceptions to the rule—such as avoiding interruptions when he’s on a client call, which he blocks out in red on his calendar.

“Getting to know how your boss prefers to deal with things is important,” Ms. Williams says. Mr. Miller, who includes “managing up” as a target ability on employees’ performance reviews, gives Ms. Williams high marks.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT WITH YOUR BOSS

  • Figure out and adapt to your bosses’ communication styles by watching them interact with others.
  • Seek agreement on how and when to update your boss on your work.
  • Ask yourself whether tensions with the boss may be a problem of clashing styles rather than more fundamental conflicts.
  • Avoid escalating problems to the boss too quickly, before you’ve tried solving them yourself.
  • When you bring the boss a problem, also bring at least one potential solution.
  • If you must disagree with your boss, do it privately, in a calm voice during a low-stress time.
  • Never bad-mouth your bosses behind their backs.
  • Never embarrass your boss in front of others.
  • Avoid overload by asking your boss for help prioritizing projects, rather than saying no.

Write to Sue Shellenbarger at sue.shellenbarger@wsj.com

MORE FROM WORK & FAMILY

WSJ.com | April 11, 2018 | Sue Shellenbarger 

 

Your #Career : Don’t Let Your Boss’s Poor #CommunicationSkills Hold You Back….If your #Boss is Terrible at #Communicating , you Don’t have to Deal With the Fallout. These Strategies will Help you Get the Information you Need.

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Poor communication is costing you in more ways than you probably realize. But it might not be your poor communication that’s the problem.

A recent Economist Intelligence Unit study found that communication barriers like lack of clarity, pointless meetings, and even differences in communication styles are wreaking havoc on productivity and efficiency. Forty-four percent of respondents said such issues delay or derail projects, while nearly a third said they cause low morale. A quarter attributed poor communication to missed performance goals, and 18% said a failure to communicate caused lost sales, sometimes totaling well into the six figures.

Related:How To Communicate With People Who Disagree With You

It’s one thing if the finger is pointed at you—there are plenty of ways you can shore up your own ability to ensure others hear and understand what you say. But, what if the perpetrator of murky directives is your boss?

Of course, you can ask questions, but you must know what to ask, business leadership coach Cheri Torres, PhD, author of Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement. Try to clarify directives and expectations without unduly challenging your boss or making them feel threatened or inadequate, which can make it even tougher to get direction, she says.

“Don’t throw the boss into further panic and fear, but instead seek clarity and information from that person, and putting it in the context of, ‘I really want to do a good job for you and for the department, so I need this information in order to do that,’” she says. And to help get the information you need to succeed use these tactics.

IDENTIFY THE DISCONNECT

Identifying the root of the disconnect can make a world of difference in how you communicate with your boss on a regular basis, says Brian Kelley, vice president of employee experience at McLean, Virginia-based Sage Communications. Take note of your boss’s interactions with others. Do they have a tough time communicating with everyone? Are there traits that get in the way of clear communication? Understanding different communication styles, especially those typical of introverts, extroverts, and various personality types, can also be helpful to understand where the gap is.

“Anytime you have a poor communicator in a senior position, it’s a great opportunity to manage up and really work with your superior to make sure that they understand your needs for solid communication and the specific ways that you can really communicate with each other better,” he says. Kelley urges his direct reports to tell him what they need from him to better do their jobs. If your boss is open to that kind of frank communication, it could be enormously helpful, he says.

Related:How To Avoid The 5 Most Common Misunderstandings At Work

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DOUBLE-CLICK

Understanding the thought process that led to this project or request can help you better understand what is being asked, says executive coach Judith E. Glaser, and author of Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results. One way to do that is to “double-click” when your boss gives you direction.

Let’s say your supervisor tells you to take on a project. They’ve obviously thought through why they want you to do so, and they’re in a state of conclusion, Glaser says. But you may not agree with the directive and may need help understanding why you’re being asked to take on the project, as well as what the point of it is. Asking about what led up to the decision to execute this project or take on this task can get you more clarity about the context and expectations, she says. That’s double-clicking, Glaser says.

“A lot of times we don’t get context from CEOs, we get conclusions. With conclusions, you miss out on a lot of the pre-thought, where the [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][employee] might be able to get in and make some adjustments to make it even better. That’s what they want to do, get into the conversation, into the thought process,” she says.

REFRAME, REFOCUS, REDIRECT

When you’re having conversations with your boss and don’t feel like you’re getting what you need, try stating the question in a different way or sharing your understanding of what’s being said, Glaser says. Respond with, “So, what I understand you’re asking me to do is . . . ” or, “What I hear you saying is that you want me to . . . ” and fill in the blank with your perspective. That will allow your supervisor to understand what you’re hearing in the conversation, she says.

Related:6 Ways To Communicate With More Authority

“When you’re not getting what you want, try to reframe it, say it in a different way, or connect it to something, a new word that might activate the opening of a conversation,” she says.

GET CLEAR ABOUT PRIORITIES

If you’re still having trouble getting detailed instructions, context, or feedback, try to focus on priorities, Kelley says. What matters about the project? What is the purpose? What will a successful outcome look like?

If you can get a clearer picture of the desired outcome, you may be able to figure out how to make that happen, Torres adds. Some bosses may try to test your problem-solving ability and resourcefulness by giving you the broad strokes of a project and allowing you to figure out how to get it done.

“Some bosses don’t give real clear instructions because they are anticipating or expecting or hoping the person will make decisions about how to do things on their own, but they assume that, rather than say that,” she says.

And if you’re feeling lost on a project or not sure you’re moving in the right direction, arranging check-ins along the way can help ensure you don’t get too far off track, Kelley adds.

FIND OTHER STAKEHOLDERS

Finding coworkers, colleagues, and even other senior-level people who can help you get the direction you need is another good strategy, Torres says. If your boss isn’t clear about direction, they may also not be clear about who else is involved in the project. Ask around and work on gathering information from people who can provide it, she says. You may also get valuable feedback about how other people have found ways to communicate effectively with your supervisor, she says.

FastCompany.com | April 12, 2018 | Gwen Moran

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#Leadership : 7 Ways Clarity Powers #Productivity …. Clarity Powers Productivity. And it Does So for Anyone and Everyone.

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Clarity powers productivity. And it does so for anyone and everyone. Here are seven of the most important ways:

1. Uncommonly clear goals

A clear destination opens the door to action. Specificity is the key here. When you know exactly what you are trying to achieve, you are able to focus. You don’t have to waste time guessing, fishing for more information, or convincing yourself that you are on the right track. You are also less likely to be distracted by peripheral issues, unimportant details, or totally unrelated diversions. Specificity increases focus and focus generates speed.

Year-end goals, no matter how clear, don’t power productivity. They are too far in the future. Progress happens one step at a time. One hour, even one-quarter hour, at a time. To be ultra-productive, you need to pursue a very specific outcome over the next small block of time.

Overall productivity depends on the productivity of each individual hour. Hour by hour clarity may save only 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there, but those really add up. However, more often than most people realize or are eager to admit it, a little uncommon clarity saves entire hours.

To achieve ultra-productive clarity, ask yourself constantly what must be different at the end of the hour.

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What Skill Sets do You have to be ‘Sharpened’ ?

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2. Clear, specific next steps

Even if you have a clear goal, you won’t be very productive if you don’t know how to achieve your goal. If you feel you are faced with an impenetrable jungle, you will not be ultra-productive. However, if you have reliable, repeatable method that you trust to get you good results, you can fly through the work with ease. Tried and true methods power productivity. If you don’t have a clear method as you are about to start a task, stop and establish one. The alternative involves wandering around, in and out, back and forth.

3. Shared process clarity

We’ve already talked about the value of process. Let’s take that a step further. When you and your co-workers have a shared understanding of a process, you will all be much more productive. You can synchronize your efforts and focus all of the brainpower. Synchronized focus and a clear series of steps powers team productivity.

Too bad so much of the workday is spent without this shared process clarity. This is true for pretty much any activity less well defined than your leanest production processes. It is incredibly true for your meetings, email, conversations, planning, problem solving, and decision making – all the activities that you don’t even think need, or even use, processes.

4. Clear, transparent decision-making

We make thousands of decisions a day. And every decision is an opportunity to waste time, stress out, and make a mistake. This is especially true for group decisions, which often go on and on and around and around. If there is one activity where shared process clarity could make an enormous difference in productivity it is decision making.

I have yet to encounter an organization with a shared decision process. And yet without one, groups typically conflate the multiple steps in any decision into one muddled conversation. To make matters worse, they aren’t always even focused on the same decision. When I listen in, I can typically count five distinct decisions under discussion simultaneously even in the most focused, most earnest, smartest group. And when I provide that clarity and enumerate those decisions, suddenly it is obvious what decisions need to be made and in what order. It’s like opening the starting gates for racers. Clarity starts everyone running, and in the same direction.

Clear, effective decision processes increase productivity in another way as well. If you follow a good process, your decisions are more likely to be accepted. Furthermore, even your bad decisions are likely to be defended! Think of all the time currently spent worrying about buy-in, making decisions by consensus, and trying to make people believe they are being heard (a.k.a., manipulating them). You can eliminate all that wasted time with a clear, effective, and transparent decision process (see 7 Rules Naturally Clear Leaders Follow When Making Decisions).

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Forbes.com | March 4, 2018 | Ann Latham , CONTRIBUTOR

#Leadership : How To Avoid The 5 Most Common Misunderstandings At #Work …From Long Email Chains to Group Projects without Clear roles, here are the Most Common Ways #Communication at Work Goes Off the Rails, & How to Fix It.

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If you’ve ever had to clear up a situation at work because you were misquoted or misinterpreted, you know how easy it is for actions and words to be misconstrued. Misunderstandings are rooted in communication, and we often wind up getting derailed because we were too busy to get clarification, says Janel Anderson, owner of the communication consulting firm Working Conversations and author of Head On: How to Approach Difficult Conversations Directly.

“We want others to agree with us, and in our current culture of too much to do and not enough time to do it,” she says. “We often jump to conclusions when, in fact, we haven’t asked enough questions and engaged them effectively to find out if they agree or not.”

Here are five of the most common situations that lead to misunderstandings, and how you can get everyone back on the same page.

1. WHEN DIVIDING RESPONSIBILITIES

When people work together on a team, everyone’s role needs to be clear. Any ambiguity can lead to misunderstandings. At the beginning of a project, put responsibilities and expectations in writing, and have regular check-ins to make sure everyone is clear about their part.

“It’s important for everyone to see their peers contributing, all working toward a goal, and ensuring that everyone’s roles are defined so that you can avoid confusion, or discontent because others aren’t doing their fair share,” says Brian Kelley, vice president of public relations and employee engagement at Sage Communications, a marketing and public relations firm. “What is that fair share? Make sure you define it at the outset so there are no questions.”

 

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2. WHEN COMMUNICATING COMPANY GOALS

Most leaders believe they communicate big-picture information, such as goals, strategies, issues, and projects. They may be communicating, but it’s often not with the entire team, says Heidi Pozzo, founder of Pozzo Consulting, a strategy consulting firm.

“There is typically a lot of discussion within the leadership team so it feels like everyone should understand,” she says. “The challenge is the group that needs to hear about it may have only heard from leaders once or twice.”

A leader needs to clearly define not only the starting point, but the pathway and critical touch points to the desired state, says Brad Deutser, CEO of the leadership consulting firm Deutser and author of Leading Clarity: A Breakthrough Strategy to Unleash People, Profit, and Performance. “Defining the pathway is fundamental to achieving the desired end state,” he says. “A purposeful leader works to carefully define the pathway, eliminating any potential diversions and ensuring clarity.”

3. WHEN COMMUNICATING VIA EMAIL

Email frequently leads to misunderstandings because it eliminates social cues, like tone of voice, eye contact, or facial expression that aid our comprehension of the message, says Anderson.

“When email misunderstandings occur, people feel threatened and get defensive,” she says. “To avoid this misunderstanding I suggest following the rule of three: If there have been three emails exchanged and you haven’t understood each other, pick up the phone and speak to them in person.”

4. WHEN DISCUSSING PROFESSIONAL GOALS

Disconnects can often happen during feedback or performance reviews, says Kelley. “It’s easy to relay information in a negative connotation when you are in effect asking for something completely different,” he says.

For example, if someone says, “I’ve worked too hard and too long for this pay,” they probably mean they feel undervalued or that their work/life balance is out of order.

“Instead of jumping to a conclusion, always assume the other party is coming from a position of positive intent,” says Kelley, adding that it’s important to take what you know about the employee and read between the lines. “Ensure you properly accept and respond to their message from this positive intent and coach them on how to better communicate their misunderstanding more effectively in the future.”

Be sure to get clear on employees’ long-term personal and professional goals, adds Ed McNamara, senior director of marketing and communications for SHI International, a software firm. “Some employees are very good at being proactive in asking for what they want; others might wait to be asked, but that doesn’t mean they want it any less,” he says.

5. WHEN YOU’RE HEARING THIRD-PERSON INFORMATION

The old saying is that too many cooks spoil the broth, and too many voices can spoil the message. “A lot of misunderstandings at work happen when information is relayed between people,” says Jessica Schaeffer, chief of staff and director of marketing and communications for the LaSalle Network, a staffing firm. “Someone says something, tells another person, and that person talks to you,” she says. “It could be business-related or company politics, but usually, it leads to a misunderstanding.”

It’s important to not jump to conclusions and get defensive, says Schaeffer. “Go back to the original person, and ask for clarification,” she says. “Eliminate the middleman and get the information firsthand. Sometimes the middleman misinterprets excitement as frustration or anger, or worse yet, doesn’t know the person well enough to pick up on important context or nonverbal cues, and relays the message incorrectly.”

WHY MISUNDERSTANDINGS ARE COMMON

The human brain is a sense-making machine and it wants to know why someone did or didn’t do something, says Anderson. “In the absence of information, we make up a motive, and we are usually wrong,” she says.

In all of these situations, the best way to mitigate is to stop and check in with yourself when you think someone has intentionally wronged you. “Ask yourself how much hard evidence you have to support your conclusion that the other person has acted maliciously,” says Anderson. “If you don’t have much—or any—evidence, get curious and ask the person some questions about why they did what they did. Assume positive intent until you have hard evidence to the contrary.”

 

FastCompany.com | March 1, 2018 | BY STEPHANIE VOZZA 4 MINUTE READ

 

#Leadership : Getting Called Out For A Slur Taught Me How To Take #Criticism …You can Ask Someone to Rethink the Language they Use without Mocking or Belittling Them–and Probably, you’ll both Feel Better About it. Here’s How.

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It didn’t take long for me to embarrass myself in public after moving to New York City in my early 20s. I was a naive but curious kid from Idaho, and I had a few lessons to learn about myself, the world, and social grace.

An important one came at the end of a talk I gave at a startup meet-up in Manhattan. After I’d finished, a woman approached me from the back of the room. She smiled, and thanked me for my talk. “You seem like a really nice guy,” she said, “and you probably didn’t mean it, but I wanted to tell you that it’s probably not a good idea to use the word ‘retarded’ in a setting like this.”

At some point during the Q&A, I had indeed referred to some thing or practice (I forget what exactly) with that term. It hadn’t occurred to me that it might not be okay to say–it was just part of my vocabulary.

My initial reaction was to protest. But something about the way the woman delivered her message held me back from jumping in. Then she added, lowering her voice a measure, “There was a disabled gentleman sitting in the back of the room during your talk. I don’t want you to feel bad, but wanted to tell you.”

I was horrified.

Not only had I exposed a social blind spot of mine, somebody might have been hurt by my words. I thanked her, and resolved to never make this mistake again.

But instead, to my still-undiminished gratitude, everyone remained calm. And the person who confronted me totally changed my thinking.

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What Skill Sets do You have to be ‘Sharpened’ ?

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WHEN YOU CALL SOMEBODY OUT

In his 2002 book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni describes “trust” in a peculiar way. Most of us think of trust as our belief that someone will do something they’ve committed to. But Lencioni advocates for something a bit more noble: “Trust is the confidence,” he writes, “that their peers’ intentions are good.” It’s not about the follow-through, it’s about the intent, irrespective of the outcome. This, I’ve decided, makes the difference not just in teamwork but in any situation where someone has said the wrong thing. And Lencioni’s point applies to all parties, not just the person who misspoke.

When someone says something that hurts us–or potentially hurts someone else–we have a choice: Give that person feedback, or stay quiet. There are plenty of valid reasons to do either, of course, but if we want to say something, then the way we deliver our message matters a great deal.

“If your ultimate goal is to get them to hear you, the best way to speak is in a way that makes them less defensive,” says Amber Madison, a diversity and inclusion expert and founder of Peoplism as well as a Fast Company contributor. “This is straight out of couples therapy 101.” To give feedback that’s constructive, Madison says to follow these four steps:

  1. Take a deep breath.
  2. Start the conversation by expressing trust in the other person’s intentions–again, even if you don’t know precisely what they consist of: “I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by this . . . “
  3. Use “I” statements. Frame things around what you think and feel, rather than around who they are, what they think, or what you think they think.
  4. Remember that it’s their choice how they want to speak and act, so don’t try to force them to change. You are simply giving them feedback.

This works well in cases when the person didn’t seem to intend great harm; it’s not a good solution for flagrant offenders who are trying to hurt people. But in most situations involving potentially offensive language–in life no less than the workplace–we’re often dealing with smaller infractions.

Crucially, the woman who approached me to correct my word choice didn’t come in guns blazing. She assumed that I meant no harm. That benefit of the doubt was a gift, to be sure, but it was also an invitation to learn something: “You seem like a really nice guy, and you probably didn’t mean it.” She gave me a way to live with myself, to hear her feedback without it wounding my ego so badly as to make me put a wall up against her.

To be sure, it’s not incumbent upon people who are offended by hurtful language, especially those who encounter it disproportionately, to protect the egos of those who use it. Nor is it their duty to patiently instruct others in the error of their ways–to do the often thankless and sometimes traumatic work of building cultural understanding. That’s all the more reason for my gratitude for the woman’s decision to correct me. The words had already left my mouth. The gentleman she was referring to was on his way out the door. But I could still change. And because of the way she talked to me, I did.

I still make linguistic mistakes, and I still have blind spots. But now I try to imagine what it must be like to hear a term for the 1,000th time before I say something that might be offensive. More importantly, I try to be a little more trusting in other people’s intentions when I hear them say things I don’t like.

WHEN YOU GET CALLED OUT YOURSELF

“It is a reality that you are going to say something offensive at some point to someone else,” Madison says. “What’s important is how you bounce back from that.” When we find ourselves on the receiving end of a correction–even if we didn’t mean it–Madison advises the following:

  1. Take a breath and remember that it takes guts to speak up and say something–especially if it’s a workplace and especially where you have more power than the other person.
  2. Listen to everything they have to say without jumping in.
  3. When you respond, use “I” statements. Don’t put it back on the other person. (“You’re overreacting!” or “You’re taking this the wrong way!” etc.)
  4. Step back, outside of your own ego for a minute, and be curious. For example, you could say, “Oh! I didn’t know that. Do you feel comfortable telling me what the history of this word is, or why what I said was inappropriate? I’d like to learn.”
  5. No matter what the person’s motivation or delivery method, remember that they are, in a sense, going out of their way to help you be a less offensive person.

It’s easy to rush to the defense that you’re just expressing an opinion of “being yourself” when confronted with an objection to something you’ve said. That’s natural, but ultimately a poor argument.

“Yes, totally, be yourself!” says Madison. “But if being yourself is being someone who doesn’t give a shit about people’s feelings–if that’s who you are, then okay.” The reality, she adds, is that most people “want to be themselves with the caveat that they’re not hurting people and pushing them away. They want to be someone that people want to be around.”

Comedian Judah Friedlander recently told me about how early in his career someone came up after a show and said, in reference to a particularly distasteful joke, “I love you. But drop that bit.” He took the advice, and used it as a model for how he gives feedback now, too.

“With social media, it’s become all about destroying people,” Friedlander says. “But many people don’t want to be doing bad things. If they find out they did something that wasn’t cool, they want to know about it and improve and get better.”

“If we don’t trust one another,” Lencioni writes, “then we aren’t going to engage in open, constructive, ideological conflict.” Trust doesn’t eliminateconflict, which we in fact need. The constructive kind, anyway–the kind that changes minds.

FastCompany.com | January 21, 2018