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#Leadership : Quality Advice on How to #Communicate During Stressful Times… Even on a Good Day, #Communicating Well is One of Life’s Toughest Daily Challenges, and It’s Especially Difficult to Do Under Pressure.

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Even on a good day, communicating well is one of life’s toughest daily challenges, and it’s especially difficult to do under pressure. Thankfully, by applying a few practical tips, you can significantly improve how you talk with friends, family, coworkers, and others.

Focus on Your Goal

For instance, facing more than one challenge at a time can be overwhelming. Instead of trying to tackle everything at once, focus on one or two important objectives per conversation. Successful exchanges will encourage others to approach you, and over time you will have increasingly productive dialogues. But it’s not only other topics that can be distracting. Anger, frustration and apathy can divert you from your main purpose if you let them.

QUIZ: What’s Your Communication Style?

Take a Deep Breath

You’ve probably heard this advice a dozen times, but it works. After studying a group of nerves in the brain, biochemistry professor Mark Krasnow concluded that breathing affects overall brain activity. He explained, “This liaison to the rest of the brain means that if we can slow breathing down, as we can do by deep breathing or slow controlled breaths, the idea would be that these neurons then don’t signal the arousal center, and don’t hyperactivate the brain. So you can calm your breathing and also calm your mind.”

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Laugh First and Hardest

Research indicates that laughter reduces the amounts of stress hormones in your body and increases levels of endorphins — chemicals that make you feel good. According to Stress Management with Intelligence, the effects of laughter are more than chemical: “Laughter connects people, and social support is good for stress relief.”

Talk to Someone (Else)

Yes, it sounds counterintuitive, but discussing your issues with an unbiased outsider is helpful for two reasons. First, venting your frustrations may relieve tension and allow you to talk more calmly the next time you confront the situation. Also, your listener may have some relevant advice.

However, choose your confidant with care. Avoid anyone with a reputation for gossip. If you can’t think of anyone in your immediate social circle, search for an online support group.

Set a Realistic Objective

If you or the person you are talking to is stressed, adjust your expectations. Stress isn’t always a bad thing. If you’re excited about something, your body releases adrenaline and chemicals that heighten senses and help the brain focus, according to HolisticOnline.com. However, the website says that the positive effects are short-lived: “As you spend more and more time under stress, your ability to concentrate lessens.” Therefore, if you’re on a tight deadline, it may boost you to accomplish more in one sitting. On the other hand, if you’re in an ongoing feud with a colleague, your discussion may end in a compromise.

Listen

Don’t be so focused on trying to get your point across that you forget to listen. It’s a life skill, according to SkillsYouNeed.com: “Listening is key to all effective communication. Without the ability to listen effectively, messages are easily misunderstood. As a result, communication breaks down and the sender of the message can easily become frustrated or irritated.” How can you show the speaker you are paying attention?

9 Tips to Listen Like a True Leader

Practice Positive Body Language

If your body is sending negative signals, you may be inadvertently sabotaging the conversation. Leaning away from someone or crossing your arms while they speak may convey that you’re not open to conversation.

You can change your posture with a few easy adjustments. For example, lean slightly towards the other participant. Let your arms hang by your sides or bring them together in your lap. Make brief eye contact throughout the interchange. These minor alterations send the message that you are actively listening, a factor which will make your conversational partner feel valued and more open to what you have to say.

Know When to Keep Silent

A stressful moment may not be the ideal time to bring up sensitive issues. You may decide to let a matter drop altogether or wait until a more opportune time. If the issue is unavoidable, take a few minutes to organize your thoughts in writing.

Listening, breathing and taking time to respond are just a few strategies to help you keep your cool. Even if you’re not facing a stressful situation now, keep these tips on hand to help you communicate in everyday life.

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Your #Career : Don’t Let Your Boss’s Poor #CommunicationSkills Hold You Back….If your #Boss is Terrible at #Communicating , you Don’t have to Deal With the Fallout. These Strategies will Help you Get the Information you Need.

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Poor communication is costing you in more ways than you probably realize. But it might not be your poor communication that’s the problem.

A recent Economist Intelligence Unit study found that communication barriers like lack of clarity, pointless meetings, and even differences in communication styles are wreaking havoc on productivity and efficiency. Forty-four percent of respondents said such issues delay or derail projects, while nearly a third said they cause low morale. A quarter attributed poor communication to missed performance goals, and 18% said a failure to communicate caused lost sales, sometimes totaling well into the six figures.

Related:How To Communicate With People Who Disagree With You

It’s one thing if the finger is pointed at you—there are plenty of ways you can shore up your own ability to ensure others hear and understand what you say. But, what if the perpetrator of murky directives is your boss?

Of course, you can ask questions, but you must know what to ask, business leadership coach Cheri Torres, PhD, author of Conversations Worth Having: Using Appreciative Inquiry to Fuel Productive and Meaningful Engagement. Try to clarify directives and expectations without unduly challenging your boss or making them feel threatened or inadequate, which can make it even tougher to get direction, she says.

“Don’t throw the boss into further panic and fear, but instead seek clarity and information from that person, and putting it in the context of, ‘I really want to do a good job for you and for the department, so I need this information in order to do that,’” she says. And to help get the information you need to succeed use these tactics.

IDENTIFY THE DISCONNECT

Identifying the root of the disconnect can make a world of difference in how you communicate with your boss on a regular basis, says Brian Kelley, vice president of employee experience at McLean, Virginia-based Sage Communications. Take note of your boss’s interactions with others. Do they have a tough time communicating with everyone? Are there traits that get in the way of clear communication? Understanding different communication styles, especially those typical of introverts, extroverts, and various personality types, can also be helpful to understand where the gap is.

“Anytime you have a poor communicator in a senior position, it’s a great opportunity to manage up and really work with your superior to make sure that they understand your needs for solid communication and the specific ways that you can really communicate with each other better,” he says. Kelley urges his direct reports to tell him what they need from him to better do their jobs. If your boss is open to that kind of frank communication, it could be enormously helpful, he says.

Related:How To Avoid The 5 Most Common Misunderstandings At Work

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DOUBLE-CLICK

Understanding the thought process that led to this project or request can help you better understand what is being asked, says executive coach Judith E. Glaser, and author of Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results. One way to do that is to “double-click” when your boss gives you direction.

Let’s say your supervisor tells you to take on a project. They’ve obviously thought through why they want you to do so, and they’re in a state of conclusion, Glaser says. But you may not agree with the directive and may need help understanding why you’re being asked to take on the project, as well as what the point of it is. Asking about what led up to the decision to execute this project or take on this task can get you more clarity about the context and expectations, she says. That’s double-clicking, Glaser says.

“A lot of times we don’t get context from CEOs, we get conclusions. With conclusions, you miss out on a lot of the pre-thought, where the [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][employee] might be able to get in and make some adjustments to make it even better. That’s what they want to do, get into the conversation, into the thought process,” she says.

REFRAME, REFOCUS, REDIRECT

When you’re having conversations with your boss and don’t feel like you’re getting what you need, try stating the question in a different way or sharing your understanding of what’s being said, Glaser says. Respond with, “So, what I understand you’re asking me to do is . . . ” or, “What I hear you saying is that you want me to . . . ” and fill in the blank with your perspective. That will allow your supervisor to understand what you’re hearing in the conversation, she says.

Related:6 Ways To Communicate With More Authority

“When you’re not getting what you want, try to reframe it, say it in a different way, or connect it to something, a new word that might activate the opening of a conversation,” she says.

GET CLEAR ABOUT PRIORITIES

If you’re still having trouble getting detailed instructions, context, or feedback, try to focus on priorities, Kelley says. What matters about the project? What is the purpose? What will a successful outcome look like?

If you can get a clearer picture of the desired outcome, you may be able to figure out how to make that happen, Torres adds. Some bosses may try to test your problem-solving ability and resourcefulness by giving you the broad strokes of a project and allowing you to figure out how to get it done.

“Some bosses don’t give real clear instructions because they are anticipating or expecting or hoping the person will make decisions about how to do things on their own, but they assume that, rather than say that,” she says.

And if you’re feeling lost on a project or not sure you’re moving in the right direction, arranging check-ins along the way can help ensure you don’t get too far off track, Kelley adds.

FIND OTHER STAKEHOLDERS

Finding coworkers, colleagues, and even other senior-level people who can help you get the direction you need is another good strategy, Torres says. If your boss isn’t clear about direction, they may also not be clear about who else is involved in the project. Ask around and work on gathering information from people who can provide it, she says. You may also get valuable feedback about how other people have found ways to communicate effectively with your supervisor, she says.

FastCompany.com | April 12, 2018 | Gwen Moran

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Your #Career : The Mistakes You Make in a Meeting’s First Milliseconds…People will Make Snap Judgments as Soon as They Meet you, But you Can Turn This to your Advantage.

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Hilary Blair has acted professionally and served as chief executive of her own communications-coaching company for the past seven years. She oversees a staff of 13 and counts Staples and Boeing among her clients. She says her success comes despite the first impression she makes on some people, not because of it.

“I remind everyone of their second-grade teacher,” says Ms. Blair, chief executive of Articulate Real & Clear in Denver. “And if they didn’t like their second-grade teacher, I’m in trouble.”

A growing body of research shows the snap judgments people make about others’ trustworthiness are wrong more often than most people think. These first impressions are formed in milliseconds, based on instinctive responses in the brain’s emotion-processing center, the amygdala.

Some people conclude a stranger is reliable because he or she looks like someone trustworthy the person already knows, says Alexander Todorov, a leading researcher and author of a 2017 book on the topic, “Face Value: The Irresistible Influence of First Impressions.” Or they make judgments based on stereotypes, such as an unconscious belief that older or more feminine-looking people are more trustworthy, he says.

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This poses a challenge to anyone who must gain others’ trust to perform well in meetings, interviews or other gatherings.

There are ways to head off other people’s shaky snap judgments, by being mindful of how they might see you. Some visual cues are beyond a person’s control. Faces with a wider distance between the eyes and eyebrows are seen as more trustworthy, research shows.

But people who use and teach these skills, including actors and courtroom trial strategists, say you can control other visual cues. A happy expression, with the corners of the mouth turned upward and eyebrows relaxed, is likely to inspire trust, research shows. People teamed in an investment game with online partners whose facial images appeared friendly and reliable entrusted their partners with 42% more money than those whose partners looked downbeat and threatening, says a 2012 study by British and U.S. researchers.

Facial expressions are important even when you think no one is looking. People tend to distrust others whose “dominant face,” or habitual expression, is grumpy, disapproving or angry, says Judson Vaughn, an impression-management consultant. And suddenly switching that downbeat expression to a 1,000-watt smile, just because someone is looking, is likely to undermine trust even more, he says.

Mr. Vaughn, a former character actor, says casting directors’ snap judgments about him, based on fleeting first impressions in the audition room, used to cost him roles he wanted in TV and film years ago.

He began adapting his facial expression, body language and stance the moment he entered the room to suit the role he wanted. Mr. Vaughn landed more roles as a trustworthy good guy by wearing a pleasant expression that warmed to a smile when he faced the director, shoulders erect, at a respectful distance. Mr. Vaughn, chief executive of First Impressions HQ in Atlanta, also won more bad-guy roles by making sure the director’s first impression was of a shifty character—by hunching his shoulders, wearing a hostile expression and eyeing the director askance.

Lisa Peers, an actor and workplace-communications coach, advises clients to prepare themselves mentally to impress new acquaintances by pausing for a few moments beforehand to think about what they want to accomplish with the other person.

She recommends using breathing techniques to foster relaxed, confident movement, and striving for “symmetry in your stance, with your shoulders straight and even. That first entrance in the room is the same as that first entrance of your character on stage,” says Ms. Peers, chief executive of Peers & Players, a workplace-communication training firm in San Francisco.

When Ms. Blair greets a new acquaintance, she avoids sending mixed messages. She stands with her hands relaxed and visible at her side, rather than hidden in her pockets or crossed defensively in front of her. This suggests that your warm greeting is genuine and you have no secret agenda or need to protect yourself, she says.

Mr. Vaughn also advises adjusting your stance and posture, leaning or turning toward the other person to show you’re focused intently on what he or she is thinking and feeling. Rather than extending your arm stiffly to shake hands at a distance, relax your arm and lower your elbow to your side, drawing the other person closer to you, he says. “This shows you’ve made a subconscious decision to trust the person, without having spoken a word,” he says.

Stephen Colavito used Mr. Vaughn’s techniques in an arbitration case against a former employer years ago. He consciously maintained a confident, positive facial expression throughout the proceedings, even when the opposing attorney asked tough questions, or other participants said things he didn’t agree with. Mr. Colavito also turned in his seat when testifying to face the person he most wanted to engage—the arbitrator—leaning toward him and speaking in a focused, positive way. He won the case.

He still uses the techniques as a portfolio manager for an Atlanta asset-management firm. He never reaches across a table to shake hands when meeting new clients, but walks around it to greet them face-to-face and offer a relaxed, warm handshake, elbow at his side. He’s also mindful of his posture, keeping his shoulders square and making eye contact to convey confidence, he says. “These little nuances are important. They can help create a deeper bond.”

GAIN TRUST WITHOUT SAYING A WORD

To increase the chances that a stranger will see you as a potential ally:

  • Avoid hunching over to stare into your phone before meeting others.
  • Keep your elbow at your side when shaking hands, drawing the other person closer than arm’s length.
  • Lean forward and focus intently on the other person when he or she is speaking.
  • Stand erect with shoulders squared, balancing your weight evenly.
  • Smile in response to what others say or do, rather than grinning nonstop.
  • Remain mindful of what others are thinking and feeling.

Write to Sue Shellenbarger at sue.shellenbarger@wsj.com

WSJ.com | January 30, 2018 | Sue Shellenbarger – WSJ 

#Leadership : Getting Called Out For A Slur Taught Me How To Take #Criticism …You can Ask Someone to Rethink the Language they Use without Mocking or Belittling Them–and Probably, you’ll both Feel Better About it. Here’s How.

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It didn’t take long for me to embarrass myself in public after moving to New York City in my early 20s. I was a naive but curious kid from Idaho, and I had a few lessons to learn about myself, the world, and social grace.

An important one came at the end of a talk I gave at a startup meet-up in Manhattan. After I’d finished, a woman approached me from the back of the room. She smiled, and thanked me for my talk. “You seem like a really nice guy,” she said, “and you probably didn’t mean it, but I wanted to tell you that it’s probably not a good idea to use the word ‘retarded’ in a setting like this.”

At some point during the Q&A, I had indeed referred to some thing or practice (I forget what exactly) with that term. It hadn’t occurred to me that it might not be okay to say–it was just part of my vocabulary.

My initial reaction was to protest. But something about the way the woman delivered her message held me back from jumping in. Then she added, lowering her voice a measure, “There was a disabled gentleman sitting in the back of the room during your talk. I don’t want you to feel bad, but wanted to tell you.”

I was horrified.

Not only had I exposed a social blind spot of mine, somebody might have been hurt by my words. I thanked her, and resolved to never make this mistake again.

But instead, to my still-undiminished gratitude, everyone remained calm. And the person who confronted me totally changed my thinking.

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WHEN YOU CALL SOMEBODY OUT

In his 2002 book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni describes “trust” in a peculiar way. Most of us think of trust as our belief that someone will do something they’ve committed to. But Lencioni advocates for something a bit more noble: “Trust is the confidence,” he writes, “that their peers’ intentions are good.” It’s not about the follow-through, it’s about the intent, irrespective of the outcome. This, I’ve decided, makes the difference not just in teamwork but in any situation where someone has said the wrong thing. And Lencioni’s point applies to all parties, not just the person who misspoke.

When someone says something that hurts us–or potentially hurts someone else–we have a choice: Give that person feedback, or stay quiet. There are plenty of valid reasons to do either, of course, but if we want to say something, then the way we deliver our message matters a great deal.

“If your ultimate goal is to get them to hear you, the best way to speak is in a way that makes them less defensive,” says Amber Madison, a diversity and inclusion expert and founder of Peoplism as well as a Fast Company contributor. “This is straight out of couples therapy 101.” To give feedback that’s constructive, Madison says to follow these four steps:

  1. Take a deep breath.
  2. Start the conversation by expressing trust in the other person’s intentions–again, even if you don’t know precisely what they consist of: “I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by this . . . “
  3. Use “I” statements. Frame things around what you think and feel, rather than around who they are, what they think, or what you think they think.
  4. Remember that it’s their choice how they want to speak and act, so don’t try to force them to change. You are simply giving them feedback.

This works well in cases when the person didn’t seem to intend great harm; it’s not a good solution for flagrant offenders who are trying to hurt people. But in most situations involving potentially offensive language–in life no less than the workplace–we’re often dealing with smaller infractions.

Crucially, the woman who approached me to correct my word choice didn’t come in guns blazing. She assumed that I meant no harm. That benefit of the doubt was a gift, to be sure, but it was also an invitation to learn something: “You seem like a really nice guy, and you probably didn’t mean it.” She gave me a way to live with myself, to hear her feedback without it wounding my ego so badly as to make me put a wall up against her.

To be sure, it’s not incumbent upon people who are offended by hurtful language, especially those who encounter it disproportionately, to protect the egos of those who use it. Nor is it their duty to patiently instruct others in the error of their ways–to do the often thankless and sometimes traumatic work of building cultural understanding. That’s all the more reason for my gratitude for the woman’s decision to correct me. The words had already left my mouth. The gentleman she was referring to was on his way out the door. But I could still change. And because of the way she talked to me, I did.

I still make linguistic mistakes, and I still have blind spots. But now I try to imagine what it must be like to hear a term for the 1,000th time before I say something that might be offensive. More importantly, I try to be a little more trusting in other people’s intentions when I hear them say things I don’t like.

WHEN YOU GET CALLED OUT YOURSELF

“It is a reality that you are going to say something offensive at some point to someone else,” Madison says. “What’s important is how you bounce back from that.” When we find ourselves on the receiving end of a correction–even if we didn’t mean it–Madison advises the following:

  1. Take a breath and remember that it takes guts to speak up and say something–especially if it’s a workplace and especially where you have more power than the other person.
  2. Listen to everything they have to say without jumping in.
  3. When you respond, use “I” statements. Don’t put it back on the other person. (“You’re overreacting!” or “You’re taking this the wrong way!” etc.)
  4. Step back, outside of your own ego for a minute, and be curious. For example, you could say, “Oh! I didn’t know that. Do you feel comfortable telling me what the history of this word is, or why what I said was inappropriate? I’d like to learn.”
  5. No matter what the person’s motivation or delivery method, remember that they are, in a sense, going out of their way to help you be a less offensive person.

It’s easy to rush to the defense that you’re just expressing an opinion of “being yourself” when confronted with an objection to something you’ve said. That’s natural, but ultimately a poor argument.

“Yes, totally, be yourself!” says Madison. “But if being yourself is being someone who doesn’t give a shit about people’s feelings–if that’s who you are, then okay.” The reality, she adds, is that most people “want to be themselves with the caveat that they’re not hurting people and pushing them away. They want to be someone that people want to be around.”

Comedian Judah Friedlander recently told me about how early in his career someone came up after a show and said, in reference to a particularly distasteful joke, “I love you. But drop that bit.” He took the advice, and used it as a model for how he gives feedback now, too.

“With social media, it’s become all about destroying people,” Friedlander says. “But many people don’t want to be doing bad things. If they find out they did something that wasn’t cool, they want to know about it and improve and get better.”

“If we don’t trust one another,” Lencioni writes, “then we aren’t going to engage in open, constructive, ideological conflict.” Trust doesn’t eliminateconflict, which we in fact need. The constructive kind, anyway–the kind that changes minds.

FastCompany.com | January 21, 2018