#YourCareer : Avoiding A Hard Conversation? How To Have That Brave Conversation You’ve Been Putting Off. A MUst REad for All!
As the Covid-19 pandemic has forced us to connect from behind our screens, it’s also made it all the more convenient to avoid tough conversations. You know the ones… where emotions can run high and sensitivities deep. Too awkard. Too risky. Too difficult.
Alas, the most important conversations are often the least comfortable. Easier to simply smile politely and put it off until we’re all back in the office. Whenever that is.
Yet our conversations form the life blood of our relationships, forming the currency of influence in any team or organization. Engaging in conversations about sensitive issues require self-awareness, emotional intelligence and a solid dose of courage. Mustering up that courage takes getting real about the price we pay when we don’t. On our stress levels, our relationships, our influence and our ability to achieve what we want and change what we don’t.
If you’re in a leadership role, this is amplified further. After all, ‘people are the project.’ If you’re not managing the people issues, you’re destined to fall short on every other outcome.
In short, sticking to only the ‘safe conversations’ can exact a steep hidden tax on individual wellbeing, team productivity and bottom line performance. Research by VitalSmarts found a strong correlation between the span of time it took for a problem being identified and it being raised with team performance. Before Covid-19 this averaged two weeks. Right now, it’s likely considerably longer.
So if there’s a conversation you’ve been putting off, here’s a few ideas to help you address whatever issue’s been on your mind (and likely others too!).
-1- Clarify your highest intention
It’s easy to communicate from a reactive, defensive, frustrated or fearful place. Many do. Doing so gives a temporary sense sense of gratification. Bam, got em! But it rarely lands a positive outcome.
So before entering into potentially sensitive conversation, get clear on your positive intent. What positive intention are you trying to serve? For you, for them, for your relationship? So be honest about where your ego might be driving you to prove you’re right or make another wrong and connect from the highest part of you, not the lowest.
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Article continued …
-2- Check your story
You don’t see problems as they are, but as you are…filtered through your lens, your fears and your experiences, past and present. Often the story we creat about a problem (or ‘problem person’) is the root of the problem, roadblocking our ability to resolve it and chart a better path forward. So think about where you’ve caste someone as a villain, yourself as a victim or applied labels (it’s pointless, they’re a lost cause, I’m hopeless at… ) that limit new possibilities.
-3- Listen beyond spoken concerns
Even when we can see someone on the other side of the screen, technology has a way of disconnecting us from the human element of our interactions. Connecting with the humanity of the person behind the image on your screen will lead to a far better outcome than simply going through your check list.
Before you unload what’s on your mind, step into their shoes and genuinely try to see as they see and feel as they feel. What’s the deeper, unspoken concerns that might be at play here? The very act of genuinely seeking to understand makes a huge deposit into the relational ‘trust account’.
So ask them how they see and feel about the issue. Then…
As you do, resist the temptation to fill any awkward silences. It’s in the pauses between thoughts that the real issues often rise to the surface. Listening is the singular more powerful and under-used communication skill.
-4- Keep it real
If you feel awkward about a conversation, just say so. You’re human. This is vulnerable territory. Own that. If it’s why you’ve put off having this conversation, share that too. This pandemic has been challenging for most of us. Be humble and take full responsibility for your part in this issue including not having raised the issue sooner. Then share why you feel it’s important to do so now (see point #1).
-5- Be truthful, but in a way that elevates, not denigrates
Behavioral scientist Dr. William Schutz once said that “If people in business told the truth, 80 to 90% of their problems would disappear.” People can intuitively tell when you are being sincere. They can also tell when you’re not.
Be mindful to distinguish the problem (behavior or issue) from the person themselves. Just because someone did something stupid doesn’t make them stupid. Give them space to be otherwise.
Invite their input in how to address the issue, and use language that convey’s your belief in their ability to respond well. Talking down to people will never lift them higher but reinforce the very beliefs that are driving the behavior.
The above said, don’t sugarcoat the truth in disingenuous flattery. That doesn’t build trust, it undermines it. People often respond defensively to implied criticism.
-6- Consider time and place
If you’re working across global time zones, make sure you have the call at a time of day that is thoughtful for the other person. Don’t leave a tough conversation for 5pm Friday and be sure you allow enough time for a meaningful exchange. Likewise, if you’re prone to speaking too much or belaboring points, write down your key points ahead of time.
As for place, well… you may not have much choice but to connect from your home workspace right now. However if you can get outside and go for a walk, changing your physical space can be a powerful way to shift the emotional space of a conversation. Consider both of you going for a walk and talk… even in different places. Just ensure you can stay focused on it.
-7- Set and keep the right emotional tone
Emotions are contagious. The more sensitive an issue, the more rapidly emotions can escalate and highjack rational dialogue. Rehearse the conversation ahead of time, thinking ahead about how you want to respond should they have an emotional highjack. If they get furious, get curious, and avoid getting pulled into a downward spiral of stone-throwing. If things get over-heated, call time out.
-8- Separate fact from opinion
Before you launch into your opinion of a situation, be sure to clearly state the facts as you see them. It’s possible you may have incomplete information.So use language that leaves open the possibility of another interpretation of the situation. E.g. I appreciate I may be missing something, but it appears that …
Who knows, maybe they have some important piece of information you’re unaware of that will make all the difference. Facts first. When you present your opinion as though it’s the truth, you’re guaranteed to get people off-side.
-9- Make clear requests and commitments
A client recently told me how frustrated she is with a colleague. I asked her if she’d been specific about what she wanted this person to do. ‘No, they should just know,’ she replied. And therein lay the problem. They did not know! So never assume people just know what you want or don’t want. Make clear requests, with specific, unambiguous and measurable expectations – for them and yourself. Only then can you ever effectively manage any accountability.
-10- Focus forward with a soft front, strong back
It’s easy to descend into pettiness and stone throwing about what woulda-coulda-shoulda happened. To what end? This doesn’t negate the need for managing accountability. Rather, stay focused on what needs to change and don’t lose sight of the end game. Most of all, never let someone else’s poor behavior be an excuse for your own.
The quality of your relationships is determined by the quality of the conversations you have in them… in your home, in your office and in virtual teams operating across global time zones.
Don’t let the inability to meet in person stop you having important conversations. And don’t let the screens that separate you be an excuse not to speak to that person as you would if they were right in front of you.
Most of all, don’t let your fear of what could go wrong keep you from speaking up to make things more right.
If there’s something you genuinely want to say, chances are someone genuinely needs to hear it. Adopt the Buddhist principle of “soft front, strong back” and stand firmly in your truth… with courage, candor and kindness. bGo bravely.
Author: Margie Warrell is a speaker on leading with courage and creator of the Courageous Conversations Masterclass.
Forbes.com – January 31, 2012
