#Leadership : #YourCareer – 3.5 Warning Signs Of A #BullyBoss And How To React.

In my years as a leader, executive and top business coach, I’ve asked countless individuals to tell me about the best boss they’ve ever had and sure enough, their eyes always light up. Further, I regularly coach people when working with bad bosses. I teach that we can learn from every boss we ever work with, good or bad. Sadly, the feedback they give on bad bosses is significantly more regular. Many times, people find themselves in a situation with not only a bad boss, but a bully boss with no idea what to do. This article will help.

First, some context on workplace bullying and the bully boss. How bad of a problem is this?

A 2017 study found:

• 60 million Americans are affected by workplace bullying in some fashion

• Of those affected, Bosses comprise 61% of bullies

• When trying to stop bullying, 65% of bullied employees lost their original jobs

Still, there is a perception that the bully boss gets results. Take for example Hall of Fame basketball coach Bobby Knight. He was the winner of three national championships with the Indiana Hoosiers and had a very successful coaching career yet was widely considered as an “angry, foulmouthed, chair-throwing,” head coach. So, does being a bully boss work?

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Tough Boss Versus Bully Boss

Tracey Jones, President of Tremendous Leadership, discussed this topic with Forbes, saying: “A tough boss will insist that you work hard and give your best effort and submit high-quality work all the time.” Not to mention they will push you to be the best version of yourself.

In contrast, a bully boss does the opposite. It sometimes isn’t as obvious how they keep you from being your best self, but as Jones said it, they will mislead, humiliate or blame in a negative way. The bully boss prevents you from positive growth professionally and emotionally, though they might not realize it.

Here are the 3.5 simple signs of a bully boss.

1. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the boss will make a person question their reality. In other words, they use their position of power to confuse, belittle or more to the point where a person begins to question their own memory of events. Here are five ways to spot gaslighting with a boss (supplied by Psychology Today):

• They tell blatant lies or exaggerations that are in their favor

• They adamantly deny saying things even when you have proof

• They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition

• They confuse you with oddly placed positive reinforcement

• They tell you and others that you are crazy

2. Undermining

The abusive bully boss will often use a public tactic of undermining their employees, both in private and in public, which can cause toxicity throughout the organization. Things to look out for include:

• Aligning peers or even superiors against you

• Talking negatively, and almost gossipy, about you or others openly

• Taking credit for others’ ideas

3. Yelling

Bosses have bad days, like everyone. There is a difference between having a bad day, however, and a consistent reputation as a person who yells. When you have a yeller of a boss so much it is commonplace, people start to adjust their behaviors. For example, regular tantrums can cause people to hold back opinions (even strategic ones), change their communication style (e.g., using email instead of verbal for fear of retaliation), and are in a constant mode of defense.

3.5. Attrition

This can be challenging to quantify because, just like in abusive relationships, people don’t always leave bully bosses. On average, people in abusive personal relationships stay put 57% of them stay for many reasons, including fear of change, society pressures, responsibilities to their children and more. Many of these same reasons apply to abusive bosses. Fear of change, being a quitter and familial responsibilities create immense pressure to stay put and deal with it.

What can you do?

Here are three simple tactics to use if you have a bully boss:

1. Create an emotional buffer zone.

Notice and observe your emotional response to these situations and remember you aren’t obligated to act on them, especially immediately. You’ll learn that in many ways, your emotional responses to the bully boss only makes things worse. Try finding ways to detach from abuse and focus on what you can control. Setting the expectations properly will help your emotional taxation. If you know your boss will fly off the handle ahead of time, the moment will often not be as troubling. Last, know your limits and know when you need to take a break.

2. Create a stress management toolbox.

Just like a carpenter or mechanic wouldn’t show up to a job without the necessary tools, you can’t show up without them as well. Find what stress management techniques work best for you, like walking, yoga, a mid-day run, positive affirmations, writing or even bringing a heavy bag to the office. Groups like Noomii are doing incredible coaching work on psychological safety as a tool.

3. Get even (NOT).

The research shows that you shouldn’t do this. As much as you dream living out your own A Christmas Story-esque fantasy of Ralphie punching out Scut Farkus, it simply won’t work. In countless studies, they’ve demonstrated the payback efforts simply don’t work. Instead of getting even, or endlessly gossiping about it, focus on what you can control and stay positive. Find alternative options to get your frustration out like personal content creation, blogging or more (perhaps it’s time to start that side hustle).

Conclusion

You aren’t alone in this and there is a pathway out. Every single boss you’ve worked for can and will teach you something: Either what behaviors to model or which behaviors to never replicate. Whichever direction you decide to take, stay moving forward. You aren’t a tree and can always improve your situation.