Your #Career : Here’s What to Do When you Realize your Boss Secretly Hates You…There are Plenty of Obvious — & Not so Obvious — Signs your Boss Dislikes you. If you’re Getting the Sense That’s the Case, you’ll Want to Do Everything You Can to Turn Things Around.

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“The relationship between you and your boss is likely the most important work relationship you can cultivate, so it’s worth spending intentional time and effort building trust and fostering a good relationship,” says Michael Kerr, an international business speaker and author of “The Humor Advantage.” 

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If your boss doesn’t like you, it can negatively affect almost every aspect of your work and your overall happiness. “You may be unfairly passed over for promotions or raises; miss out on important assignments; never receive fair feedback; or be subjected to an atmosphere of resentment and distrust ultimately leading to increased levels of stress that eventually force you to search for a new job. It can also reflect poorly on your performance reviews and mean that you miss out on getting a fair referral when you move on to another job,” Kerr explains.

But know that building trust and maintaining respect with your boss isn’t about being a “suck up” or “cloying sycophant,” he says. “It’s about earning their respect. It’s about being true to yourself and being authentic. And it’s not about becoming best buddies with your boss.”

Also keep in mind that there are terrible bosses out there who are bullies and rule through intimidation and fear. “In these cases, you may never win and you need to realize that the best thing you can do is to not compromise your own integrity and principles and move on to a better work situation,” Kerr says.

Here’s what to do if you think your boss secretly hates you: 

Remember that disagreement is not the same as hatred.

Ask yourself if you truly believe your boss genuinely dislikes you, or if they simply don’t agree with all of your ideas.

If you’re fairly certain it’s the former, follow the steps below. But if it’s the latter, “try to embrace a difference of opinion with the idea that you’ll learn something, and do your best to not take the opposing side as a personal attack,” suggests Lynn Taylor, a national workplace expert and the author of “Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant: How to Manage Childish Boss Behavior and Thrive in Your Job.”

 

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Get a reality check from others. 

If you think you’re being singled out by your manager and are “hated,” check in with a trusted colleague who does like you to get their opinion. “They may tell you differently: that this is how the ‘culprit’ operates with everyone. Or, you may be vindicated, which gives you a green light to speak up,” says Taylor. “But be sure to keep the conversation between you and trusted colleague discreet.”

Be proactive.

It’s wise to check in with colleagues — but know that if you believe or feel in your gut that there’s a problem, there probably is, Taylor says.

“It doesn’t really matter whether your boss really likes you or not. If you’re sitting around worrying about the relationship and it’s affecting your productivity, then you should absolutely address it,” she explains. “And your instincts are probably right, anyway. Your boss may have too much on their plate to address the issue, so it behooves you to try and resolve it so you can produce stellar results. Discontentment festers — it won’t be solved by inertia and stalemate.”

Communicate directly and diplomatically. 

Approach your boss, and be diplomatic but direct. Also try to choose a time you know your boss won’t be too stressed or rushed, Taylor suggests.

Kerr suggests addressing the situation head on. “Schedule a meeting in a neutral area where you can discuss your concerns calmly and professionally, always focusing on how you want to do what’s best for the company and what’s best for the team,” he says.

“Take the high road and ask if there’s things you could or should be doing differently and show your willingness to accept feedback and change if need be.”

Taylor says to use positive bookends in the beginning and end: “I really enjoy working here and with you. I want to do my best work and so, I want to share a concern I have. There have been times lately when I have felt X.”

“Use expressions such as ‘I have felt like’ and avoid terms such as ‘you’ which can feel accusatory,” she says. “End on a positive note, with a phrase such as, ‘Again, I want to thank you for taking the time to discuss this. I enjoy my projects. By the way, the Jones project did come through …'”

Schedule regular meetings.

Both Kerr and Taylor suggest scheduling regular face-to-face meetings with your boss, even if it’s only 15 minutes per week. “It’s essential that you maintain a regular connection with them and keep them up to date on your achievements,” Kerr says.

Manage up. 

Sometimes it seems easier to give up than to approach a surly or bad boss, but with each small victory, you’ll feel more empowered, Taylor promises. “Managing up means being a proactive problem-solver, helping your boss see the big picture, being a role model, and using diplomacy and people skills, among other tools,” she says. “Managing up with a difficult boss is not just beneficial on the job; it’s a technique you’ll want to develop throughout your career.”

Ask them for ideas and input on things you are working on.

Ask in such a way that it doesn’t look as though you lack confidence, but with the goal of sending the message that you value and respect their opinion and truly want to give them a say in important projects you are working on, says Kerr.

Ask how you can improve or whether you’ve done anything wrong.

You may be doing everything right, but you’ll never know if you don’t ask.

If your boss is vague about their “issue” with you, try to press for specifics about what isn’t working, Taylor says. “If they seem unable to communicate it and have been in a passive aggressive mode, perhaps you have some ideas on what’s behind the problem, so you might try and bring up what you believe the underlying issues are.”

Express that you want to succeed in your role — and that you need your manager’s support to do so. If they feel they’re needed, it might help the situation.

Apologize.

If it turns our your boss doesn’t like you because of something you did — perhaps you once stole credit for their work, or you’ve thrown them under the bus — don’t get defensive and make excuses for your bad behavior. Own up to the mistake and say “sorry.”

“This will help you come across as more humble, open and honest,” says Kerr.

Don’t overreact or take things too personally. 

The proverbial “count to ten” axiom is useful, says Taylor. “Take time to chill out and think things over before acting on an emotional whim. You may have misunderstood the person, and either or both of you may be holding an unnecessary grudge. Today, with heavy reliance on brief communications through texts, for example, there’s so much room for misunderstandings, and consequently office fall-outs. That makes emotional intelligence more critical than ever.”

Modify expectations.

Remember: You can’t (and won’t) be liked by everyone.

One easy way to be let down by your boss is to have high expectations that he or she wants to be lifelong friends, says Taylor. “There are cultural differences that make some people more extroverted than others, and a host of other reasons behind just how jovial your manager will be — none of which you can control.”

Offer your help.

Your job is already to make theirs easier — but it can’t hurt to ask if there’s anything else you can help with.

“Always ask your boss if there’s anything more you can do, or anything you can do to help make life easier for them,” Kerr suggests. “Actively demonstrate that you have your boss’s well-being and best interest at heart.” But be careful not to come off as a suck up.

Don’t try too hard.

Trying to hard may backfire, as it might come across as being insincere or even manipulative, Kerr warns.

“Yes, make an effort to be professional, friendly,and helpful. And yes, bringing treats from the local bakery or offering to grab your boss a coffee can help win them over. But be sincere and consistent about it. Laughing too hard at your boss’s lame joke, constantly apologizing, insincere flattery, or smothering your boss with attention can easily backfire.”

If all else fails, talk to HR.

Bullying behavior by your colleagues is not okay. It’s important for your own self-respect and contentment at work to let others know if and when they’ve overstepped the limits.

“You can do so by being polite but assertive, explaining your expectations,” says Taylor. “You don’t need this difficult person to be your friend, but you will need them to respect your boundaries of acceptable behavior.”

If they don’t respond and you see this behavior with others, you may discuss it with your boss’s boss or HR — but that should be a last resort.

 

 Businessinsider.com | January 29, 2016 |  Jacquelyn Smith