#Leadership : 5 Ways The Fear Of Rejection Holds You Back…Getting Turned Down or Passed Up isn’t the End of the World. Learning to Tolerate the Distress Associated with Rejection can Actually Build your Confidence.
The Fear of Rejection Often Serves as the Single Greatest Obstacle that Stands Between a Capable Individual & Enormous Success. Its Powerful Grip can Prevent You from Reaching your Greatest Potential.
Everyone fears rejection at one time or another. Maybe you decided not to ask someone out on a date because you were afraid the object of your affection would decline. Or perhaps you didn’t apply for that job because you worried you wouldn’t get it. Either way, you may have missed out on your big break.
The fear of rejection often serves as the single greatest obstacle that stands between a capable individual and enormous success. Its powerful grip can prevent you from reaching your greatest potential. Here are five ways the fear of rejection can hold you back:
1. You Avoid New Opportunities
You’re hard wired to avoid things that cause you to feel afraid. Fear is meant to keep you safe from danger. So while running away from a hungry lion makes sense, refusing to ask for a raise because you fear rejection isn’t exactly logical.
Eliminating any possible risk of rejection from your life will prevent you from exploring new opportunities. After all, there’s no guarantee that the audience will appreciate your presentation or that your friends will support your ideas. But unless you’re willing to put yourself out there and risk a rejection or two, you’re not likely to receive many rewards.
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2. You Try to Please Everyone
One way to reduce the chances of being rejected is by trying to please everyone. Saying yes to every invite, and agreeing to do things you don’t want to do, may make others like you – at least temporarily.
But being a people-pleaser is likely to backfire in the long-run. In reality, it’s impossible to make everyone happy and you’re certainly not responsible for other people’s emotions. People-pleasing can lead to a long list of problems, including burnout and exhaustion, and it can also cause you to lose sight of your values.
3. You Maintain a Disingenuous Public Performance
The fear of rejection can lead you to put on a public persona aimed at disguising ‘the real you.’ Plastering on a fake smile and trying really hard to fit in with everyone around you may reduce your fear of being seen for who you really are. And while that public mask may help you in certain situations, people will see right through you if you lay it on too thick.
Vulnerability is key to living an authentic life. But of course, being vulnerable requires you to risk being hurt. If your fear of rejection prevents you from being genuine, you’ll struggle to form sincere relationships.
4. You Don’t Speak Up
Rather than close the deal, saying, “Call me if you decide it’s something you want,” can reduce your anxiety. This passive technique will preserve your self-worth – at least temporarily – because you won’t have to hear someone reject your offer.
Declining to express your opinion, refusing to stand up for yourself, and shying away from asking for what you want equals poor communication. It’s unlikely people are going to hand you what you want in life, unless you ask for it.
5. You Behave Passive-Aggressively
Instead of calling a friend to ask, “Can you help me move?” saying, “My family is so selfish. They’re not even going to help me move!” may be an attempt to trick your friend into volunteering. But such attempts to avoid rejection are downright manipulative.
Rejection doesn’t sting so much when you aren’t faced with it head-on. Hinting, complaining, or giving back-handed compliments are just a few of the ways people with a fear of rejection avoid direct confrontation. But ultimately, this roundabout way of doing business only causes more friction.
Short-Term Pleasure, Long-Term Problems
Rejection hurts and dodging it is one way to avoid the short-term pain. But taking steps to avoid all types of rejection only leads to long-term problems.
Getting turned down or passed up isn’t the end of the world. Learning to tolerate the distress associated with rejection can actually build your confidence. Once you see that it isn’t as catastrophic as you predict, you’ll learn to take on the attitude of, “nothing ventured, nothing gained.”
Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, keynote speaker, and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, a bestselling book that is being published in more than 20 languages.
Forbes.com | August 11, 2015 | Amy Morin