Leadership: The 3 Most Powerful Ways To Change People Who Don’t Want To Change…Dieters in the US Spend 40 Billion Dollars a Year, but 19 out of 20 lose Nothing but their Money

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Have you noticed how incredibly hard it is to change a habitual behavior, even though you know full well that it’s in your best interest to do so? Have you worked so hard over six months to lose 20 pounds, only to see it creep back in a matter of days or weeks? Or have you tried everything in your power to help your child perform better in a particular class, only to have all your efforts – and hers– fail?

As a therapist and career success coach, I’ve learned a lot about motivation, and how to help people change. In my coaching work, it’s about uncovering the root causes of their behavioral roadblocks, and helping people see these challenges differently (and stimulating new actions that are different from how they habitually operate.)

I caught up with David Maxfield and asked him what I wanted to learn about how to help people change their behavior (or change our own), in ways that will bring lasting success. David Maxfield is Vice President of Research atVitalSmarts and coauthor of the three New York Times bestsellers — Crucial Accountability, Influencer and Change Anything. For 30 years, David has been a leading social scientist for organizational change and delivered engaging keynotes at prestigious venues around the world.

Kathy Caprino: David, why, exactly is personal change so hard for so many of us?

David Maxfield: Personal change is difficult and rare. For example: dieters in the US spend forty billion dollars a year, but 19 out of twenty lose nothing but their money; two years after coronary bypass surgery to save their lives, ninety percent of patients are back to their old behaviors; and a personal favorite—two out of three people can’t even get themselves to floss!

It’s no wonder that many of us admit defeat, give up, and stop trying. Then it falls on our family members and loved ones to convince us to try again. But their pleas often come across as lectures, sermons, or rants, which undermine the relationship instead of helping us change.

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Caprino: What specifically gets in the way of our changing others’ behaviors – what are the problems and pitfalls?

Maxfield: Here are the three most important pitfalls and success factors we’ve discovered. Our research shows that these three elements can make you and your loved ones ten times more likely to succeed.

Mistake #1: We attack people with information.

We assume that, if the person only knew what we knew, they’d change. The problem is, often they already know what we know, plus more. In addition to the facts we have, they have personal information about their own successes and failures. They have usually created a personal narrative—what we call a “clever story,” that explains why they’ve failed, and explains it in a way that lets them off the hook for trying again.

For example, suppose you want your spouse to improve his or her fitness. How is he or she likely to respond to a lecture? Doesn’t he or she already know why being fit is better than being unfit? In this situation, most spouses become defensive. If you present one side of the argument, they feel compelled to present the other side. The result is you pushing for change, and them pushing against. And, since they are the ones who have to do the changing, guess who wins?

But there is a way around this dilemma.

Solution: People need to examine their own narrative.

When you’re trying to influence people who need motivation, but not information, don’t offer more information.  Instead, work to create a safe environment where they can explore motivations they already have. People need to re-examine their narrative, especially any self-defeating or clever stories they are telling themselves to justify the status quo.

Motivational Interviewing is a tried-and-true method for getting people to re-examine their stories, and it works by asking questions that allow people to explore their own motivations without feeling pushed. Below are a few examples:

“What is it that makes you even consider changing?”

“If things worked out exactly the way you want, what would be different?

“What are the pluses and minuses of changing or not changing?”

“If this change were easy, would you want to make it? What makes it hard?”

The video above demonstrates the power these influential questions can have.

Mistake #2: We fail to see why we’re stuck.

Getting someone to make a commitment to change is not the same as getting them to actually change.  The problem is that people overestimate the power of their own willpower. They fail to see the risks in front of them. So, they put their heart and soul into an effort, but it’s not enough. They are tripped up by obstacles they never anticipated.

I’ve often say to clients that, “your world is perfectly organized to create the results you are currently experiencing.” The problem is that we’re like the fish that discover water last. We are swimming in a sea of influences, and we don’t even know it. A lot of these influences are designed by sales and marketing experts or food scientists who are more interested in our money than in our well-being.

Solution: We need to educate our eyes.

We need to recognize the hidden influences around us, the influences that are keeping us stuck.Once we see them, we can deal with them. We group influences into six sources: three that motivate and three that enable. Suppose your teenager says he wants to succeed in math, but isn’t doing his math homework. What are the influences that could be keeping him stuck?

1. Personal Motivation: While his motivation to master math is sincere, it’s too vague and distant to affect his behavior. His short-term motivation is directed by videogames, social media, his girlfriend, and other more immediate motivators.

2. Social Motivation: You and your spouse go to his basketball games and concerts, but you don’t show similar encouragement for his math.

3. Structural Motivation: There are serious carrots and sticks tied to every basketball game and music lesson, but not as much for math homework. So, math becomes a lower priority.

4. Personal Ability: Your son isn’t very good at estimating how long it will take him to get his math done. He schedules an hour, just before bed, and then runs out of time.

5. Social Ability: You and your spouse coach your son on sports and music, but leave him to his own devices when it comes to math.

6. Structural Ability: Your son has several convenient distractions in his bedroom, where he does his math homework. His phone, laptop, and TV all distract him from his math.

Most stubborn problems persist because of unseen or overlooked influences that are keeping us stuck. Once we see them, we can change them. However, if we don’t change them, we’ll remain stuck.

Mistake #3: We rely on quick fixes.

We often pick the most obvious obstacle to our success, and direct all of our efforts toward overcoming it. It feels intuitive, like a quick fix. We make some progress, at least at first, but this early promise fails as unseen and unaddressed obstacles take their toll.

Another mistake is to have favorite solutions, and to use them in isolation. For example, we assume carrots and sticks will solve every problem, or that training or technology will. As a result, we create one-sided solutions that address only a few of the obstacles that are keeping us stuck.

Solution: Overwhelm the problem with all six sources of influence.

It takes solutions in all six sources to change a status quo that is held in place by all six sources. We ask people to develop at least one robust influence strategy in each of the Six Sources of Influence. Here is an example, aimed at helping your son complete his math homework.

1. Personal Motivation: Get him some direct experience, such as an internship in an organization that uses math and science. He will see for himself why math is important.

2. Social Motivation: Show your own commitment to his math. Spend as much time with him on his math as you do on his sports and music.

3. Structural Motivation: Work with him to create small rewards, based on daily and weekly progress at math.

4. Personal Ability: Increase deliberate practice, just as you would with sports or music. Make “doing your homework” the start, then add beyond.

5. Social Ability: Become your son’s math tutor. If you aren’t good at math, become good at it. Your example will speak volumes to your son.

6. Structural Ability: Create a comfortable time and space for math. Make sure it’s at a time when your son is at his best. Remove distractions. Make the place bright and cheery.

 * * * * * *

David’s tips show us that while change isn’t easy, it’s doable, when you want it and are ready, and when you address the key influences that have been keeping the behavior locked in place.  I’ve seen even the most resistant people finally experience transformation because the pain and cost of how they were previously operating in the world had become too great, and because the motivational structures and personal accountability were finally in place to facilitate growth.

For more information, visit David Maxfield, VitalSmarts and Crucial Skills.

(To build a happier, more rewarding career, visit the Amazing Career Project, and take my 6-day Amazing Career Challenge.)